I hate nights like tonight, it’s really late, I’m tired and all I want to do is lay down in my bed and sleep. That doesn’t happen though, despite my efforts otherwise. I do all my normal things to get ready to bed, then I lay down, find a comfortable position and close my eyes. Several minutes later it happens, I roll over trying to find a more comfortable position, this includes switching from a left to the right bud in my headphones so I can still hear my Sleeping playlist on Spotify. Few minutes later though and I’m rolling over again and it’s back to where I started. At this point I always think the same thing, “Why aren’t I asleep yet? I’m exhausted!” Then I’ll get up and go to the bathroom, not because I really need to, but rather I’m really hoping that a completely empty bladder will somehow cure my restlessness. After I crawl back into bed I roll around a few more times trying to find that magical position that will knock me into a deep sleep. Anxiety always finds me first.
Starts off with simple things, going over what I need to get done the next day and what not, accompanied by some worst case scenario thought experiments fueled by the idea that I’ll be going without sleep tomorrow. After reviewing what is about to happen to me I’ll start thinking about my screw-ups in the recent past. A joke I took a bit too far, being too oblivious to notice a hint some nice girl is dropping in front of me, the grease-stricken burger I ate instead of a salad I should’ve had and things like that. Nothing to get overly upset over, but good to acknowledge mistakes to help facilitate learning.
I’ll start thinking about this blog next, and frankly I always feel pretty guilty when I do. I think much more about this blog than one might think with how little I upload, but I think about the multitude of great ideas for posts or even some videos I could have done already, yet none of them ever seem to come to any fruition. There is literally a page of twenty something ideas for blog posts that have simply never materialized, even worse is right next to it is a rough outline of a book I’ve been thinking about writing for years now. So much writing I want to do but I tell myself that I’ll probably never actually finish writing any of it because I’m not that kind of person. I’m at the point where name calling becomes common for myself. Fraud is a popular one these days. Seems to fit most of what I think is wrong about me into a single word and the guilt about all the promises to regularly write and come hilariously short of serve as evidence for that assertion. I try to stay positive, choosing to dwell on the potentially great things I could create and how I aught to go about that.
Potential doesn’t mean a thing though really, at least not if I never use it. At this point I click the lights back on, grab a notebook and just start writing the first thing that comes to my mind, desperate to escape the downward spiral I’m sending myself into. An hour later I’ve got half a post done, but I’m so tired that I can’t write anything legible with a pen. (Not that I have good penmanship anyways.) Lights off, I throw myself back on my bed and finally get some sleep.
The next morning I usually review what I was writing the night before. It’s more depressing than I care for so I opt to leave it half finished, except I finished it today. Have a stellar day people.