The Arbitrary Movie Awards of 2015

So I tallied it up and I went to the movie theater over twenty times this past year. Yep, that is a thing I did. The crazier thing is that I still managed to miss a huge number of movies this year despite my near fanatic devotion to the movie theater. (Seriously I’m just happy the employees never recognized me.) Why am I even telling you about this though? Because these are my arbitrary movie awards and I needed an arbitrary reason to qualify myself to give these awards out. I mean could you imagine if I had only gone to the theater fifteen times last year? This entire thing would be declared fraudulent and I couldn’t live with that sort of shame! Luckily I am totally qualified as decided by myself so lets just get into these awards before the circular logic takes a real toll on my brain.

Category One: Worst Movie

Nominees: The Scorch Trials, Insurgent

Honourable mentions: Fan4stic (didn’t see)

Yes I’m starting on a negative note and you can just deal with it. Some of you might think that I’m just going to automatically give the Scorch Trials this award since I actually made a video just to talk about what was wrong with it.

In reality though I’ve known Insurgent was going to win this award since I first watched it. It makes all the same mistakes that Scorch Trials does with the added bonus of treating it’s audience like an idiot. I’m gonna point out the three glaring instances of this that I can recall.

At the very start of the film we apparently need Kate Winslet to explain what the faction system in our imaginary world is and why it matters, just in case you didn’t watch the first movie. How about the time that Four (That name doe) refers to the work he’s doing while hiding out as “Chores” since that’s what an adult would call his work. Yup. “It’s made for teens and thats what they would call it though!” That is true, does it mean that any grown, military trained person would refer to their work as chores? The answer is no.

nick-young-confused-face-300x256_nqlyaa
My Face when 4 says “Chores”

Lastly let’s talk about the simulations Tess goes through near the end of the film. Spoilers if you one of the very few people who didn’t read the books and cares about the plot of the films. One of the big perks of being Divergent is that Tess is able to understand that the simulations are just that no? Like in the first movie she “beats” several of the simulations just by that understanding. How does that not work now? This is how those simulations should play out.

“Look your house is on fire and flying away!”

“Well that’s clearly not real so I’ll just Superman fly up there and move on with my life.”

“Oh no it’s your mom in the house on fire!”

“Right she died last movie so definitely not real.”

“Ok uh…. look its you! You have to defeat yourself!”

“Are you telling me I have to be Divergent to know this isn’t real? Seriously? It’s not like I have an identical twin to make this remotely possible.”

Then the simulation just shuts itself down due to frustration. Why am I not writing all blockbusters!?

Have I made my point clear enough though? Insurgent thinks you are an idiot and isn’t anywhere near smart enough of a movie to justify that and therefore it’s the worst thing to come out this year. Peace out.

PS more awards will follow don’t worry.

 

What is there even to say about me? One thing is that the first time I sat down to write this I just gave an explanation of what this site is instead of talking about, ya know, me. I think that's a pretty good way to describe me, though. For the most part, I am not much more than the sum of all these random thoughts and stories I put up here. Maybe there's more, but that just means I need to write more here.

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