I just wish sometimes that I was good at cyberstalking people. I know that makes me sound suspicious and creepy at best, but I think you and I both know I don’t mean it in any extreme way where I get ahold of private documents by hacking a person. I mean I wish I could take a small piece of information and manage to actually find someone on Facebook.
Ya know that kind of cyberstalking that pretty much everyone does these days? That one. I absolutely suck at it. That’s because I don’t do it.
STOP STOP I’m not trying to take any moral high ground here. I’m trying to say it’s just a part of our culture at this point and I’m really behind the curve. Ok?
Why do I wish I was good at this? A fair question. It’s simple. Last weekend I met a girl, I was in line at a sushi joint I struck up a conversation and I felt like we were hitting it off. There was some laughing, a little bit of flirting, yadda yadda yadda. (I know it can be hard for some of you to imagine me doing any of this given the appalling nature of my dating life, but it happened I swear.)
Next thing I know she’s got her food, heads out and I wish her a good night. 5 minutes later I’m sitting in my car realizing that I didn’t even ask for her number. Big whoopsie on my part. Oh well I’ll just look her up on Facebook, that isn’t weird right? So I pull out my phone (not while I’m driving) boot up ye old Facebook and start typing out her name, Jane. (not her actual name, really not into giving out people’s info without consent)
Then I stop. I don’t have a last name, she never brought it up and why would she? It’s not 1879 last names aren’t a part of casual introductions. So now I’m just sitting in my car realizing that all I really know about this girl is that she’s “Jane”, the cute girl from Alabama. (If I don’t give her name I think it’s fine to say what state she’s from.)
And I just know that if I was better at cyberstalking that I could track her down and ask her out. If only I was good at cyberstalking like a particular friend I have. He knows who he is. People that know him know what an absolute god of cyberstalking he is. This is a guy who could find anyone. We’d watch game shows like Wheel of Fortune (we were a lively crew) and this guy could find the contestants before the show was over. He is so talented that he could be the lead character in some crime drama where the FBI hires some guy to use his talents of cyberstalking to find criminals. It’d have a lame name like “The Catfisher” and would air at 10pm on like ABC or something.
But yeah, I wish I was good at cyberstalking. I’d probably settle for being good at talking to those of the opposite sex too though. Later.