Rough Night

There is something I don’t get that I really feel like I should’ve figured out by now. How do people just go to sleep? Look I know I’ve written a bunch on this before but when you’re having one of those nights where you can’t seem to sleep at all sometimes you just need to vent it out. Honestly, I don’t get how people just pick a time, get ready for bed, lay down and then they’re just gone. For me every time I lie down my mind decides that now is the time to put the pedal to the floor just to see how fast we can go. I think about what I did during the day, what I didn’t do, was it a big deal I didn’t do it? Do I feel like I put my potential to use today?

That’s the big one and it gets me every night. Every night I think about if I’m making proper use of my talents, abilities, and skills. I’m never quite sure, but I think most of us aren’t fully sure we’re doing all we can. I wish it didn’t keep me up at night like it does though. I wish it was easier to put my mind to ease at night.

Right now in order to fall asleep, I have to really distract myself from my own thoughts. I do that usually by thinking about books. Novels really, novels I want to write at some point. I currently have 3 ideas for novels to write, and to help distract myself I’ll pick out a random part in the story of one of them and just try to really think through everything going on in that particular moment. This usually leads me to think about worldbuilding, and that is where I really want to end up because that’s the thing I can get lost enough in to actually fall asleep. How does it compare to our world? How do people dress, and why do they dress like that? If I’m lucky I’ll go on asking and answering these questions for 20 or so minutes and then I’ll just drift off into slumber. I never remember what I was thinking about the next day so I inevitably have to start from scratch the next night, which has its pros and cons. I have a way to help me sleep every night, but I make little to zero progress on the novels.

“You should try sleep aids then!” I have tried Melatonin and I wish it worked better for me. If you haven’t heard of it Melatonin is a hormone your brain makes naturally that helps control your sleep cycle. You can also buy it as a sleep aid. For me, it doesn’t help much in the big picture. Don’t get me wrong that stuff knocks me out like I tried to step in the ring against Floyd Mayweather, but when I wake up (often well after any alarms I set, I’m really out cold on this stuff) and it feels like I actually stepped into the ring against Floyd Mayweather. I wake up and I absolutely don’t feel well rested.Like my arms are always sore after Melatonin and I have absolutely no idea why. I’m also really groggy, so much so that all I want in the deepest part of my soul is a cup of coffee. I don’t drink coffee though so I’m stuck with a hot shower and maybe some cranberry juice if I remembered to pick some up. That doesn’t help much and then for half the day I’m just this zombie barely functioning. So that 7-8 hour time investment becomes more like 20 hrs before I’m actually useful again. I Don’t have so much time for that. Even if I did I hate that groggy feeling so much that I’m getting mad just typing it out and thinking about it. I like being at 100% mentally, Melatonin doesn’t let me do that, but not getting enough sleep also doesn’t let me be at 100%. Rock and a hard place everyone knows what that’s like.

“You’re taking too much man!” Melatonin comes in these little 3mg tablets and I take less than a quarter of one tablet. Dosage isn’t my problem. This sounds like I’m throwing myself a pity party right now and I’m not, at least not intentionally. I just needed to vent about this for a bit right now because it’s 3 in the morning and it looks like sleep just isn’t in the cards tonight. Red Bull will have to carry me to the end of my classes and then I’ll come home and pass out for like 3 hours before my body just gets back up and I’m back to square one. I guess I’ll catch up on some TV or do some reading, I don’t know. Later.

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