Keeping it Real


Over the past couple of months, I’ve written quite a bit about how much better I’ve been doing in my life, particularly in regards to feelings of depression and what not. On the whole, I’ve been noticeably happier, more energetic, and motivated to do things.

While that as a general trend is absolutely true, there are still days when I just can’t seem to find motivation or the will to be happy. Things just refuse to click. Rather than go out and do anything my body feels gleefully satisfied with lying in bed for all the hours the sun is up.

It’s a different feeling than laziness though and I bring that up because I know that can be a knee-jerk reaction to what I’m saying. The days where I feel depressed and the days I just feel lazy are very different. If I’m having a lazy day I definitely want to roll out of bed, mostly so I can get a burger, sit down at my desk and mindlessly grind at World of Warcraft all the live long day. I want to be doing things, just nothing useful.

When I’m feeling depressed I do not want to get out of bed at all, usually, if I do its because I have to use the bathroom so bad I think I might wet the bed. I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to watch movies, often times I’ll stare at a blank screen for several hours before getting back into bed to try and just get the day over with. I do not want to do anything. Does that paint a clear picture of how these two are different to me? I hope so.

I’m not trying to complain about the woes of my depression either, having only the occasional day be thwarted by my brain is in contrast to my own more serious bouts of depression fairly easy to deal with. I just have to hope it doesn’t land on any days where I’m making important decisions, but even then I’ve gotten a lot better at telling myself, “hey, mull that over for a week before acting on that impulse.” You know, how ordinary and well-adjusted people make big decisions?

The reality of it all is that considering everything, things are good, but because I’m determined to try and be more transparent about what I’m going through and how I’m feeling I feel its important to say that just because on average I’m doing really well, there are still dips and acknowledging those dips is important to me so that people know where I’m coming from. Honestly at this exact moment it feels really silly to be calling any of this depression because I know how serious that word can be and this is far from a serious problem, but I’ve allowed myself to spiral by not taking small things seriously before so I’m gonna opt to not make that mistake again and play it cautiously.

That’s really all I needed to say today, I think later this week I should be getting back to talking about movies a bit, and considering how many I’ve seen in the last bit it should be a good time, just so long as I can actually settle on a single movie to talk about… oh man that’s not going to be easy. Later!

I pretend like I’ve got things figured out when really I’m making it up as I go. Honest to goodness truth.

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