2018 was a pretty great year for movies, but even in this sea of greatness, there are surely a few turds floating about. I hope and pray that you all missed these movies, but if you had the displeasure of seeing them, I guess we can get some satisfaction by mocking them together.
#5: 7 Days in Entebbe
I won’t lie to you, I really wanted to like this movie. Rosamund Pike and Daniel Brühl are two of my favourite actors and I always want to see them succeed. This movie is just not very good though. Like it’s that bad either, but it is remarkably mediocre in its execution. I do think that Brühl and Pike’s performances are worthwhile, but everything else is just below average and the action sequences are honest to goodness pitiful. Like you could probably scrounge up some random film students who could piece a better action scene together. They’d also do it for a whole lot less money. Hollywood take note.
#4: Red Sparrow
Do you know what I remember about this movie? Jennifer Lawrence is in it, the writing is really bad and just like 7 Days in Entebbe holy crap is it boring. I think I said this when I reviewed it, or maybe I tweeted something about it, I don’t remember. What I said though was that for something with as much violence, sex, and betrayal I can’t believe how unengaging this movie was. It’s just boring all the way through, like eating a whole loaf of white bread, it’s edible, but you just know there are a million ways to make it better.
I won’t lie, when I went and saw this movie I had pretty low expectations. It’s a comedy about weed essentially, you’ve seen what Seth Rogen makes, something like that. Here’s the big problem with that though, if your jokes aren’t funny, the whole movie just falls apart and Gringo isn’t funny. I sat and watched this movie silently with the occasional break to chuckle to myself. Do yourself a favour and watch a clip of Pineapple Express on Youtube, it’s 100x better than anything Gringo had to offer. Seriously, this could have been a really funny movie, but an endless series of half baked (pun intended) jokes leaves it thourougly lacking.
#2: The Happytime Murders
This movie has a cool premise, puppets are real people and interact with the world. What does that world look like? However this movie takes the premise and totally throws it to the side in favor of telling horrifically raunchy jokes severally lacking in creativity, intelligence, or any sense of decency. This is a movie that decides to tap into the most depraved parts of the human psyche, but since its puppets doing it its funny right? I think if I had walked into this movie expecting to be horrified and disgusted I would have actually said it was a good movie because it does those things quite well. However, it called itself a comedy so I have to judge it as a comedy and in that sense it stinks big time.
#1: A Wrinkle in Time
I really had to debate with myself for quite some time about whether this or The HappyTime Murders was the worst movie I saw in 2018, ultimately I decided that this enormous piece of garbage was the absolute worst. This film has exactly one redeeming quality, sometimes the CGI looked really neat, sometimes. Everything else about this movie just fell flat on its face if you ask me. Acting? A Wrinkle in Time is a perfect case example of the risk of child actors because some of them just suck at this. (Remember its not the kid’s fault, they don’t have enough formal training to be blamed if a child actors performance is bad, it’s on the casting director and the director) The story? Totally lacking. The book this film is based on has some heavy Christian themes that were removed for the movie, and that’s all fine. You just have to replace it with something, and A Wrinkle in Time the movie didn’t, which left the second half of the film feels much like an empty void. Which is like a really bad thing in a movie, in fact, its the worst thing, you should always feel something in a movie and that feeling shouldn’t be a mash-up of boredom and frustration. The truth is that A Wrinkle in Time is just plain old empty filmmaking.
Ooof, sometimes it feels bad to come down on something you know people worked really hard on, but that’s life, isn’t it? Oh who am I kidding, I enjoy ripping on bad movies just as much as I enjoy praising great movies. I feel pretty ok about that though because these pieces of crap took two hours of my life, so I want to try and get something back from them. Later.