Hold on… Wait…

I am not a smart man. Well sometimes I am, we all have our moments, right? For me, I find that all too often I find myself in scenarios where I have to realize that I might be one of the stupidest humans to ever walk this planet. We all know those moments where we catch ourselves mid-sentence saying something that makes absolutely no sense what so ever but its too late and we just have to ride it out? Those moments. The ones we think about late at night when we’re trying to sleep and our brain is just like, “Nah, let’s relive the most embarassing moments possible!” Here are a couple of those moments I’ve had recently.

Yesterday I decided to go to Target to go get some things, but I got distracted thinking about another errand I had to go run so I took a wrong turn thinking I was going to do that other errand. 20 seconds later I realize I wanted to be going to Target so I turn around and start heading back in the right direction. Then I think about how I’m hungry and maybe I should get some food while I’m out and I drive right by Target. Realizing my mistake I turn around again. Get distracted by another errand, miss Target, turn around, think about food, miss Target, turn around… You get the picture. I ended up driving past Target 5 or 6 times because of this. I honest to goodness might be top 5 dumbest people alive.

Another time at work I was listening to some music whilst changing some lights, humming along as I normally do when a co-worker of mine asks me, “hey are you listening to Gorillaz?” Like the band Gorillaz. I opted at that moment to reply with a blank stare for a solid minute, then shrugging my shoulders and going back to work.

“Are you listening to Gorillaz?” He asked again more confused.

“I don’t understand the question.” Is how I answered him this time.

“Like your music, is it Gorillaz?”

More silence as my rickety brain finally begins to put things together, “Oh sorry, no.”

At this point my co-worker bursts into laughter. I stood on a ladder with bright red cheeks wondering how on earth I survived this long with this freaking brain.

For the record, it wasn’t Gorillaz I was listening to, not that it makes me look any less idiotic.

I was going to share another profoundly stupid moment of mine to get three which seemed like a nice number for something like this, but at the moment I just can’t think of anything. Maybe I’m getting smarter? Nah probably more likely that my mind is going the way of my father and I’m simply forgetting everything that happens to me. Oh well, later!





Recently I’ve felt like I’ve lost my voice, at least with writing. I can still ramble for hours and hours in conversation about who even knows anymore, but when I put the pen to paper nothing quite feels right. Actually right really isn’t a good word for that, it’s more like nothing quite feels entirely like myself. I feel like I’m holding back in my writing.

Personally I’d really like to stop doing that. So in the future I may write things that you read as an insult, it’s not. I may write things that are absurd and outlandish, they probably are. I may call something or someone you like mediocre, I really think they are. I don’t think anyone is stupid or silly because they like a certain thing though. I’ve said for a while now that I think everyone has the right to like a few stupid things and have some stupid ideas. Here are some of mine:

  • I like KFC more than Chic-Fil-A. If you’re gonna eat fried chicken just go all the way with the grease.
  • I love to watch golf. Thanks Dad.
  • Adam Sandler could be one of the top dramatic actors in Hollywood if he just tried.
  • I still listen to 50 Cent occasionally. Those beats are sick.
  • In-N-Out is nowhere near the best burger you can get. It is the best burger you can get for under 4 bucks though.
  • 7-UP is better than Sprite.
  • I still kinda enjoy the Transformers movies even though I bash on them all the time.
  • Redheads are more attractive than all other human beings. @ me. It’s science.
  • I hate wearing sweats in public more than just about anything. It’s lazy and unprofessional.
  • Athletic shorts are fine though.
  • Texting people is ridiculous, if it isn’t an emergency or arranging a time to meet just tell me next time you see me.
  • Batman Begins is just as good as The Dark Knight.
  • I’m not sure Utah is white enough.

Ok that last one is a joke, the only way Utah could get whiter is if you bleached the whole Salt Lake Valley.

The rest of them are actual things I think and yeah, I realize that most if not all of them are ridiculous. That’s the point. So the next time I say something and you think, “how could he say something like that?” just remember that I say a lot of weird things. Don’t take it personally.