Provos Most Eligable?

Well, life got busy for me for a little while there and that pushed back my write-up for the second episode of the surprise online hit “The Bachelor of Provo” so far that the show isn’t even called The Bachelor of Provo anymore.

For those unaware (I can’t fathom how you wouldn’t know about the renaming but still want to read this blog post) shortly after the second episode of The Bachelor of Provo a few news outlets had started picking up on the buzz around the show and once they started publishing interviews with the creators and articles about the show surprise, surprise the big bad guys of Warner Bros came down with copyright allegations and they came down hard. So hard that they forced the show to rename itself and drop the rose ceremony from the show entirely, alongside some other less monumental changes.

I won’t lie, part of me wants to get into the nitty-gritty of exactly why the show got copyright striked and how totally in the right Warner Bros was to do it (legally at least) but that’s probably a whole other write-up on its own. So let’s just stay focused on my thoughts and feelings of episode two of Provo’s Most Eligible?

Right at the start, we have another skit about Provo dating and just… no. We’re all painfully aware of what this show is about and if we’re sitting down to watch episode two we don’t need to be reminded or sold on it again. We want to watch cringy Provo people be hilariously awkward around each other so we can all feel better about the awkward, cringy stuff we do in our day to day lives. No skits required.

Moving past that though we get the intro sequence and then cut directly to… Colin walking onto a stage and doing some of the most amazing, and definitely awkward white guy dancing ever caught on camera. I’m a really bad dancer, but that was just rough to watch.

After (AFTER) Colin’s routine? It’s explained to us that the group date portion of the show will be a talent show! Oh cool right? Wrong. Rather then having a diverse set of acts to showcase the uniqueness of each contestant we get just an enormous hot mess. Props to Annalee though for at least trying to be unique with tap-rapping. Would’ve been like way cooler if you did both at the same time, but separate is fine too I suppose.

I know I said I wouldn’t mention copyright stuff, but can we not all acknowledge the hilarity of this show consistently using that garbage copyright free music only to get struck down with copyright strikes anyway? Just hilarious.

Anyways, after the talent show we’re treated to our first solo date with Colin and Megan! Megan is the one… ahhh…. hold on. *Googles furiously* Megan the surgical technology major! I’m sure she has other definining personality traits but good lord can we not tell from the show, at least we get this scene with the blanket depicted below and it’s gotta be the most provo thing I’ve ever seen on a screen. Just spectacular for all the wrong reasons.

Cred @Provosmosteligable

From there were back to them all hanging out and trying to chat with Colin and we finally get some juicy drama. It starts with Abby taking Colin aside and basically asking him why he’s even bothering with these other girls because their connection is so strong.

Big plays for big ballers ya know?

The drama continues to flow as it’s revealed (By Abby I think, pot stirrer much?) that Lucy, in between filming episode one and two got a boyfriend. Seriously people, if you’ve never been to Provo this is actually the kind of stuff that happens on a regular basis. Colin and Lucy handle it like mature adults though and Lucy departs the show that night. Whatever shall we do without another blonde, average height, person from… was it Hawaii? Yeah, Hawaii. That’s the one. Jeez Colin has a type and it’s showing.

There’s a couple more things that happen like Kate showing Colin more magic, and even though it’s totally obvious that the show is super fake bordering on scripted the two of them have a fun energy together. Like two dweebs just dorking out together.

Oh yeah, there’s also this tiny little thing of Annali trying to snag a SMOOCH from Colin. Dang, I’m upset that I’ve already used the bold strategy meme in this write-up because that was a extra big play for a truly enormous baller. Props to going for it Annali, and extra props for asking for consent first, it’s 2019 people, consent isn’t hard. Simple verbal confirmations are easy enough right? I mean he shot her down so that’s unfortunate for Annali, but I’ve still gotta give her points for trying right?

After the smooch rejection tragedy (or a blessing depending on your POV) we get to the rose ceremony (last one apparently!) and honest to goodness who even cares at this point. Both Annalee and Annali move onto the next round which means there is still hope in my heart that they’ll have a duel to the death to absorb each other’s powers highlander style. The adorkable Kate got a rose and so did everyone’s favourite girl with an accent Elena, everyone else doesn’t matter anymore as far as I’m concerned.

New episode of Provo’s Most Eligable comes out this weekend and now that I’ve got a somewhat normal schedule I should be able to get the write-up on it out in a more timely manner. So like a week, week and a half from now I guess? Till then, Later!


Resoulutions

Setting vague and arbitrary goals for the year, the New Years tradition we all still do for some reason.

Oh baby, another year come and gone, and it’s time now to get 2019 going.

…I can’t believe how absurdly corny that sounded. Let me try that again.

2018 is over and it’s time to get our New Year on!

Nope… That’s not it either…

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you’re as excited as I am for 2019?

What am I doing? Is this an infomercial? Goodness gracious…

Screw it. We all know what time of year it is, and we all know because we can read (and if you can’t then… you’re probably a baby and slapping mommy’s iPad somehow brought you here, neat!) that I’m talking about my resolutions for 2019! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GET EXCITED PEOPLE! AREN’T YOU SO PUMPED TO READ ABOUT A RANDOM GUYS PERSONAL GOALS FOR THE YEAR! IT’S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU READ THIS!

Was that too much? Probably. Oh well, leaving it in anyways.

Ok resolutions for 2019, first and foremost: Continue to push myself creatively into new areas that might feel uncomfortable at first. I really enjoyed getting into a lot more self-reflective and introspective writing in the latter half of 2018 and hope to really continue to do that more in this year.

Secondly: Lose the weight you gained back last semester and clean up your diet. Around septemberish I hit 170 pounds which felt like a pretty solid accomplishment for me, then I ate out way way more and excersized way way less and came right back up to 190. Not okay, gotta get back down and maybe even push myself down to the 160 range, salads here I come.

Third and probably finally: As I work on my outer appearance don’t forget to work on your inner self. I don’t think I’m a bad guy, not by a stretch, but we can all work harder on being better people to those around us, can’t we?

Ahhh Yes, two insanely vague and arbitrary goals I can flip a coin to decide if I achieved next December and one that actually is tangible and defined. Should be a great year, hope to see you all keep reading here throughout the year! later.

Wait Wait I forgot one more resolution. Look into how the whole “selling your soul to the devil for fame and fortune” thing works. Like can I sell half my soul for just the fortune? Sounds pretty good to me, and what do I really need my soul for? Gingers don’t have ’em and they seem to be doing just fine honestly.

Hands

Ok I’m gonna go ahead and be a little lazy today, just going to poke fun at myself quick.

Over the weekend I went up to Temple Square in Salt Lake City to see all the Christmas lights that get put up, I went with a bunch of my friends and my girlfriend. It was a lovely time. If you’re in the area you should really check it out, its a lot of fun. Just be aware that parking sucks this time of year so be patient with all of that stuff.

“Jonny you said you were gonna make fun of yourself.”

I’m getting to it, just chill. Whilst we were up looking at the lights our group came upon a store window with “mistletoe” written on it and after some peer pressure from friends Lindsay and I got a picture of us kissing underneath the writing. Isn’t that sweet? Sure, except for the fact that in the uncropped version of that picture you can see my arm dangling by my side  nice and awkward like, check it out. 

Oh yeah, look at that thing just… what am I doing?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ricky Bobby is now my spirit animal.

Why am I writing this post out, I could simply never post the uncropped version and get away with it couldn’t I? Yes, but my last couple of blogs (and surely some future ones) were poking a lot of fun at other peoples dating beliefs and practices and I wanted to remind folks that I’m not so arrogant to believe I am the one great authority in matters like this. I definitely do stuff that makes no sense when it comes to dating and I do a lot of silly things that deserve to be made fun of. So let’s all remember that when I write about dating stuff in the future that 1. I’m not saying everything coming out of my mouth is gospel and 2. We’re having fun here, not reading a TED talk. Ok? Great, later.

Charming Girls and Twisting Words

Ok so yesterday I worked through what I thought was some of the most dangerous thinking presented at this dating seminar I went to earlier in the week. Today I want to be less depressing and focus on some of the more silly things said. Let’s have some fun shall we? Also I think I mentioned this yesterday, but I don’t mean to rag on anyone in particular here, any issues I have are more with the general dating culture here than with any partiuclar individual, so relax. 

I’ll start today off with another quote,

“Women want a prince (or a high-quality man) to charm them until they simply can’t resist him any longer”

Yup, you nailed it, buddy. I mean what women doesn’t want someone who relentlessly pursues them until they simply submit themselves and go out with you. Sounds like true love to me. Maybe I’m not being fair to them right now and twisting their words, but come on! You really don’t have twist things very far to get to where I’m at! Like who uses word like “can’t resist” when they’re talking about dating and doesn’t expect people to give them this look.

If you’re dating life has enough opposition that the word “resist” is the first thing popping into your head than chances are your strategy needs a little refinement.

Now I can already hear my father typing up a comment for this, “Your mother ran away from me the first time I talked to her, I would call that resistance and it all worked out didn’t it?” Yeah, dad, it did, and I’m really grateful for that because otherwise I wouldn’t be here to make fun of you, but I think we can both agree that your situation is more of an exception to the rule than an example that proves it. Generally speaking, if a girl physically runs away from you that’s a sign to pack it in and take the L, make sure you hold on tight to it because you need to learn from this particular L. (Hats off to you dad for being oblivious enough to ignore that though so that I could exist! WHOOOO)

By the way I’m totally comfortable telling that story because I’ve heard my dad tell me it I don’t know… 7 billion times and somehow each time he tells it he owns it even harder than the last time. He’s actually totally unashamed about the whole thing. Honestly it’s one of the things I really like about him.

Back to the seminar though…

Let’s move onto specific terminology used. Hey, if I use the term “Social Proof” what springs into your head? Is it like a piece of paper you have that proves you know how to socialize with people in a non-serial killer way? Or maybe like a mathematical proof that demonstrates why nice guys finish last? Or perhaps its a reference to a term used in a sociological study looking into dating practices? Nope all wrong. Social proof is basically when you have cool friends so girls know you’re a cool person. I’m not a woman so I might be wrong about this, but I’m not currently aware of anyone who entered into a relationship with someone because they had cool friends. Sure I know people who set their friends up with people, but they don’t go on that date and have the girl say, “you’re friends with Billy so I know I should be attracted to you.” Like just… yeesh.

“Princes are able to elevate a princess to the station of a queen.”

Another lovely quote ain’t it? I’m sorry if I caught you off guard with the poetic beauty of it. It’s just such a well-crafted sentence it really des… I can’t keep playing this thing straight. Good lord this thing sounds like they took comments from r/niceguys and just plastered them on their PowerPoint (of course there was a PowerPoint! They’re professionals.) Like the sentiment is actually fine, if you’re a good person then you should be able to make your partners life better, but do we have to phrase it like that? Ladies just imagine for a moment a guy that you’ve been on a couple of dates with, they’ve gone ok but you’re not sure how you feel about him yet, then he drops this line, ” You are a princess, but I want to make you a queen.” If you got any sense it’s just like

There’s more to go through here, but I’m lazy and I’m kinda hoping to stretch this thing out until Christmas break so we’ll go over more of it another time. Later!

Thanks

Just giving thanks for some of the good stuff in my life right now.

I had initially planned to take the week of thanksgiving totally off and not worry at all about writing blogs and stuff, but apparently I can’t stay away from this blog for that long now. Interesting.

I didn’t put together a proper Thanksgiving post back in October for Canadian thanksgiving, so I figured I’d take the time now to just mention some of the things I’m really grateful in my life. Some of these are going to be really silly, some more serious, and some will be in between. So basically it’ll be an ordinary list.

First and foremost I’m thankful to be alive, being dead sounds boring and as one Tyrion Lannister puts it, “Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities.”

I’m grateful to Wendy’s and their 4 for 4 meals. You’re the best value in fast food and you keep my belly full and happy. Although if you weren’t around it would probably be a lot easier to eat healthy.

I’m also thankful for the gospel in my life. At times it’s tried me harder than I could ever care for, but it also brought such an immense amount of happiness and joy into I don’t know if I could ever truly put it all into words. Rest assured I’ll be trying to do so at some point though.

I’m grateful to all the movies, games, shows, books, songs, whatever media I’ve enjoyed in my life. The stories you held have become a life-long passion for me and you never get old.

I’m grateful to my family. Y’all are an exceptionally weird bunch, but you have shown me so much love and support over the years I just can’t help but be humbled by how much you all care.

I’m especially grateful in this respect to my parents, I’m also grateful to them for being people I can just have a conversation with, I definitely didn’t realize how nice it is to be able to just have a casual talk with your folks is.

I’m grateful to this dope hoody I’m wearing in the featured photo. Supporting content creators I like is real great when they make legitimately good merch for me to buy.

I’m grateful to Lindsay, the most wonderful person I know. You’re the most hilariously awkward person I’ve ever met, but you’re also strong, kind, compassionate, beautiful, fiercely intelligent, understanding, and fun. You’re exceptionally bad at taking compliments (her words not mine) so this is probably bit embarrassing for you, but I would be lying if I didn’t think embarrassing you just a little bit here and there wasn’t kind of fun. 

I’m grateful to Dr. Pepper for being a delicious beverage I can enjoy whenever I want. I guess that also goes along with being grateful to live in the US where Dr. Pepper is available 24/7, though I could without the perpetual chaos that is your politics. (What can you really go through Thanksgiving without some mention of politics?)

I’m grateful to BYU, the most bizarre campus I’ve ever set foot on, but the things that have happened to me whilst attending here have been pretty great and I’d like to at least think you had something to do with that, so kudos to you BYU.

I’m grateful to my roommates, some goofy dudes. Y’all are great to live with and keep things entertaining consistently. I look forward to at least one more great semester with you boys! I should also take the time to be grateful for my other friends. Vine has only been officially dead for a year and a half, but we still quote them every day to the dismay of so many people! Who cares though, they’re just not bougie enough to understand the brilliance of it all.

I’m grateful to be Canadian. I have an undying need to say sorry, an undying love for maple syrup on just about everything, an appreciation for the great games of Hockey and Curling, and a lovely habit of ending sentences with eh. These things and many other good traits wouldn’t be possible without being raised in the great white north. I miss that land. Can’t wait to see it again in about a month!

Ok I think thats enough for this year. This certainly doesn’t encompass everything I’m grateful for, but I can’t literally go through and name everything. Well I could, but I’d be sitting here for weeks trying to do that and that sounds even more boring than death, so hard pass on that. Later!

Hold on… Wait…

I am not a smart man. Well sometimes I am, we all have our moments, right? For me, I find that all too often I find myself in scenarios where I have to realize that I might be one of the stupidest humans to ever walk this planet. We all know those moments where we catch ourselves mid-sentence saying something that makes absolutely no sense what so ever but its too late and we just have to ride it out? Those moments. The ones we think about late at night when we’re trying to sleep and our brain is just like, “Nah, let’s relive the most embarassing moments possible!” Here are a couple of those moments I’ve had recently.

Yesterday I decided to go to Target to go get some things, but I got distracted thinking about another errand I had to go run so I took a wrong turn thinking I was going to do that other errand. 20 seconds later I realize I wanted to be going to Target so I turn around and start heading back in the right direction. Then I think about how I’m hungry and maybe I should get some food while I’m out and I drive right by Target. Realizing my mistake I turn around again. Get distracted by another errand, miss Target, turn around, think about food, miss Target, turn around… You get the picture. I ended up driving past Target 5 or 6 times because of this. I honest to goodness might be top 5 dumbest people alive.

Another time at work I was listening to some music whilst changing some lights, humming along as I normally do when a co-worker of mine asks me, “hey are you listening to Gorillaz?” Like the band Gorillaz. I opted at that moment to reply with a blank stare for a solid minute, then shrugging my shoulders and going back to work.

“Are you listening to Gorillaz?” He asked again more confused.

“I don’t understand the question.” Is how I answered him this time.

“Like your music, is it Gorillaz?”

More silence as my rickety brain finally begins to put things together, “Oh sorry, no.”

At this point my co-worker bursts into laughter. I stood on a ladder with bright red cheeks wondering how on earth I survived this long with this freaking brain.

For the record, it wasn’t Gorillaz I was listening to, not that it makes me look any less idiotic.

I was going to share another profoundly stupid moment of mine to get three which seemed like a nice number for something like this, but at the moment I just can’t think of anything. Maybe I’m getting smarter? Nah probably more likely that my mind is going the way of my father and I’m simply forgetting everything that happens to me. Oh well, later!

 

 

 

Pika Pika

Something I’ve come to realize over the past couple of weeks is that not only do I see significantly more movies than the average person, but I also follow movie news much more closely, especially when it comes to trailers. I’ll be totally honest with you, I thought most people watched most trailers that came out for movies. There only a couple minutes long and they’re these little snippets of films to come. I love em! A good trailer can really take a person from somewhat uninterested to genuinely hyped for a film. This is the case for me with Detective Pikachu.

Yeah no, you can still read. There is a Detective Pikachu movie coming out next year. When I first heard about it I immediately thought, “This is going to be amazing with how weird it is or an absolute train wreck right from the get-go.”  Just think about the premise of it.

1. A live-action pokémon movie, already pretty nuts.

2. Pikachu is a detective in it. What?

3. Pikachu is played by Ryan Reynolds. Actually, this one makes a lot of sense.

With all these things considered if really feels like the movie should be just a total mess. Then the trailer for it dropped today. Here it is.

I don’t know about you, but I’m leaning on it’s going to be amazing with how weird it is line of thought. First off, the pokémon largely look really good. There’s a little bit of questionable/uncanny feeling for some of them, but for the most part were in a good spot, especially with Pikachu him… her… do pokémon have genders? I don’t know, but the point is that Pikachu looks friggen adorable. Also, this movie looks genuinely entertaining, and I can say that with some level of authority because for whatever strange reason my parents didn’t let me or my siblings play pokémon growing up so I don’t really have those rose-tinted glasses who just wants to see pokémon in real life. This trailer has actually got me excited to see this movie, although I (and also everyone else) shouldn’t be putting this much stock into a trailer, we’ve all seen great trailers that turned into dumpster fires of movies. I’m looking right at you Suicide Squad, now go back to your dark corner and think about what you did. Later.

Purple

 

IMG-1524(1)
So this is a thing.

 

I probably need to explain myself right? Also, side note, even though I’m rocking some hardcore RBF right there, I swear I’m actually pretty good with how my hair looks. Moving on now.

Can I just give folks the line, “girlfriends. Not even once” and move on? Is that satisfactory? No? It makes it sound like my girlfriend did this out of spite? Fine. Come on though, it’s not like I don’t have some history of making rash decisions regarding my hair on basically zero information. I legit shaved my head bald on nothing more than the prompt of a roommate asking if I wanted to. (That one was a big mistake though, still a good story though.)

So Here’s the basic timeline for how I ended up with purple dye in my hair. Honestly, it’s a pretty boring story. Basically, my girlfriend was dying her hair purple. Not like all of it, just like the bottom half, I guess, jeez this would be easier to explain if I just had a picture. Hold on a sec… Do I have one on my phone… No? wtf am I even trying as a boyfriend? Whatever.

Anyways she’s dying her hair and once she finishes up with it there’s a reasonable amount of dye leftover. Not a ton, but enough that it would feel wasteful to simply throw it out. At this point, Lindsay (the girlfriend) shoots me a look and with a reserved excitement asks, “Can I put it in your hair?”

Now, this next little bit takes place in about 5 seconds but takes a lot longer to explain because it involves a number of decisions that take place in my own mind. Just so you know and understand the impulsive nature of this whole thing.

When I’m asked questions like this there are two things I think about. The first is always, “What’s the worst that could happen?”. With dye involved the worst that can happen is actually pretty bad though.  At least to some people. Really in my mind, the worst thing that could happen is that it looks just dreadful, in which case the solution to my problem is pretty simple, wear a hat. I’m already known to frequently wear baseball caps so it wouldn’t even be a stretch to just wear one every day. Sure it might get a little awkward at church but I’m dating someone from the same congregation as me every Sunday is already an awkward cringefest with every member of the bishopric asking me for updates so adding the awkward conversation about a hat seems an easy task. That being said that literally a worst case scenario and frankly its pretty unlikely so I’m confident at that point to proceed on the merits of “what’s the worst that could happen.”

The second question I always ask myself when making these sort of decisions is whether or not this will make a good story.  I thought there was a reasonable chance and frankly, it’s up to you folks reading this blog post to decide if I was right about that. Either way, I thought the probability of this being a good story was high enough to proceed.

Remember all these thoughts happen in about 5 seconds.

“Sure, why not?” is what I opted for as my response. Boy, you wouldn’t believe how Lindsay’s face lit up when she heard that. Her excitement was only matched by her other roommate’s concern for my well-being. They must have thought I’d lost my bloody mind. Which is true, but like I lost it ages ago this is far from the event that confirmed my insanity.

Before we can get started with the dye though we need to solve the problem of my shirt. See I had apparently made the mistake of wearing a pretty nice shirt that day. Probably because I hadn’t realized that I would be dying my hair that day, but hey that’s my bad for not being able to see into the future. Luckily for me Lindsay’s roommate Abby had an old t-shirt that was just large enough to wrap around my neck to shield my nice button up. Oddly enough the colour of it matched pretty close to the shirt I was wearing so it looked like I had like a turtleneck on so now I also know that turtlenecks are an absolute no-go for me. Two birds one stone or something like that.

Pseudo-turtleneck in hand though I was now prepped for the dye, which Lindsay applied despite the fact that her roommate is a licensed cosmetologist. Still not 100% sure why it happened that way, but hey I’m not here to complain just tell stories. I was pretty convinced that the dye wasn’t even going to stick all that well anyways. It had been exposed for a pretty long time and absolutely nothing had been done to my hair to prepare it for dye. Literally, she just took the dye and painted (is that a good word for this? idk) the top of my head with it. So how likely was it for the dye to even stick? Pretty good as it turns out.

Half an hour later and things have settled and it’s time to give my hair a quick wash before revealing the final product. Minor snag though. The Branbury, the apartment complex me and Lindsay both live at, is BYU approved housing. Which means there are a few arbitrary rules that have to be followed. Like guys can’t use the bathrooms in girls apartments. (I KNOW ITS RIDICULOUS YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME!) This means that in order to wash my hair out I have to lean over and use their kitchen sink. Perfect. So I’ve got my head in a kitchen sink and as I’m getting my hair washed out I’m seeing a lot of purples come out. Figures I think to myself, the dye didn’t stick, which is a shame but removes any fears I would’ve had about how it’ll look.

Nope. Turns out that really normal (I really know nothing about hair do I?) and a couple of minutes later I’m looking in the mirror at this freaking anime character that’s taken the place of myself. Oh well, now I can at least live out my fantasy of being an anime character, though the magic powers haven’t appeared yet which is straight bs. Also the huge freaking smile on Lindsay’s face when she saw my hair was pretty worth it as well. Not even to mention that it doesn’t even look all that bad. Maybe next time I’ll go all out and dye all my hair… Nah, that ish is expensive. Later!

Building Childhood

Life is a stressful experience. No matter who you are, what you do, or how you do it eventually stress begins to weigh down on you pretty heavily. For some that weight feels like you’ve got one too many books in your backpack and you can just soldier on, for others, it’s closer to having your backpack replaced with a solid cinderblock, that is also somehow on fire. That’s not so easy to cope with.

Either way, everyone eventually needs to destress in some way or another.  This is usually where peoples hobbies come into play, sometimes though taking that hour or two with your knick-knacks isn’t enough and you need that thing most everyone dreams about.

A Vacation. To take some time and literally just leave your world behind while you go off and soak some rays, eat good food, and do all the other touristy stuff everyone low-key likes doing but we’re all too cool for it or something. Maybe you prefer a staycation because you actually really like where you live and just want to ignore work emails for a week. I like ignoring emails, especially ones I’m supposed to respond to.  (btw I still answer my emails) You might be like me though and be lacking in both the time to take a vacation or the funding for one either. What’s a person to do then?

You know what I did? I built a car. Out of cardboard.

I honest to goodness didn’t think that building a cardboard car would be a distressing experience when I started doing it. Arts and crafts have never been my strong suit and I usually find it pretty frustrating while I’m doing them. I don’t like looking at my shoddy craftsmanship, and of all the things in the world, it’s one of the few things that makes me feel self-conscious. Why? Who knows, it’s honestly the dumbest thing but it’s the way this stupid mind works.

So why was I building this thing in the first place if I thought it might stress me out.

Same reason I do half the dumb things I do because a pretty girl asked me if I wanted to. Come on now, who do you think is writing this thing? In my defence, I’m now dating that pretty girl, so double win because I got a dope cardboard car and a girlfriend out of it. Although I doubt it was the cardboard car that made her want to go out with me… I should ask her about that. Might get awkward if she says it was though…

Sorry I was trailing off there. Cars! I built one. Yes, I did. This is what it looked like. At least the back of it.

IMG-1413.JPGI know what you’re thinking here. Good lord Jonny, that doesn’t look good at all. Like Jeez, the wheeze dude my 3rd grader could make a better-looking car. You are 100% correct. Also, your 3rd grader can fight me. I ain’t afraid to hit a child. (jk I am oh please don’t let me get into trouble for that.) This is very far from being a well made, good looking piece of art. You know what it does look like though? A beat-down wood-panelled van from the 70’s. So considering what I was going for I think I did a pretty bang-up job with the creation of this vehicle.  I probably could’ve improved it by using a smaller box for the bottom portion allowing the car to be better proportioned, but that sounds like some try hard bs that I just ain’t into.

Trying to make this look like a convincing replica of an actual vehicle would’ve defeated the entire purpose of making it in the first place. This was about tapping back into the childlike wonder of creating things. To simply make something for the sake of making it, not to try and be the best, or worry about how many likes you were going to get on Facebook/Instagram. This was about letting go of everything that makes a person an adult and just making something fun. Let me tell you something, this thing was wicked fun to make! (Admittedly having great company around whilst I made it helped a lot, but still a worthwhile activity)

You might be thinking, “Jonny are you going to explain just how you made this thing? What was the process?” Sod off buddy, that also defeats the purpose. If you’re wondering how I did this let me tell you something. Don’t wonder, just go make it. All you need is a bunch of cardboard and some imagination, cardboard is freaking everywhere so that shouldn’t be too hard to get a hold of, imagination is apparently a harder thing for some people. I suppose if you’re really lacking in that area you can hit a tab of acid before starting your car, but you didnt hear taht from me and I won’t be held responsible for what happens if you do that. Just don’t think about these things so much and let yourself have fun creating. I promise that while its not as good as taking a vacation its a lot more affordable! Later.

 

 

Formulaic

As an adult, I’ve come to loathe math. Some share this opinion, others don’t. I don’t care for math for a few reasons, mostly revolving around my brain’s inability to comprehend the more advanced aspects of mathematics, and by advanced mathematics, I pretty much mean anything from introductory calculus and on. So like 99% of math really. That’s one reason I don’t like math, another reason is that I tend to not really like the concrete nature of it. Lots of people like that mathematics because it gives them concrete answers that are absolutely correct. I think that ish is just so lame. I like to explore different ways of thinking about subjects and you can really only do that if you are at least willing to consider the other way of thinking was some value. If the math says person x is wrong, then why even examine why person x thought they way they did in the first place? There isn’t any wiggle room. I like to wiggle.

Why am I bringing this up though?, Every once and a while I let up on my distaste for mathematics and I invent mathematical reasons for my own behaviour. Today I’ve got a new formula, one that seeks to understand when one should make their intentions known in the grand game of dating.

BUCKLE UP BOYS AND GIRLS WERE DOING A DATING POST I BAITED YOU WITH THAT MATH CRAP! HAHAHAHAHAHA

(L/D) x P = G

L is a rating between 1 and 10 that describes the level of emotional turmoil caused by existing in a state of Limbo between being friends and being an in a relationship. This is a subjective measurement so just be honest with yourself. Some might also say that the L could stand in for a rating of how “in love” you are with a person, but that word is utterly terrifying so I’m opting to not use it. Gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.

D is also a rating between one and ten that estimates the difficulty of replacing that friendship should things go way south on you. It is also subjective, even when you use math it’s really hard to nail anything down for certain in dating. Is this also kind of mean to think of friendships as replaceable and assign quantitative values to interpersonal relationships? Yes, but math is unfeeling and unconcerned with your feelings. It’s merely here to determine the rational course of action. Harsh, cruel, but fair is the mistress known as arithmetic.

The P is the probability of a positive outcome. (I started with it as P but shortened to P for simplicity’s sake.) The likelihood that when you turn to that person and say, “I have to tell you something…” and that conversation doesn’t end with “I hope we can still be friends.” This is measured in a percentage and then converted into a decimal number that between 0 and 1 that corresponds. For example, if you think you’ve got like a 64% shot (don’t ask me how you got to this specific percentage it’s just hypothetical) of “that talk” going well for you, you would then put your P as .64. Simple right?

This part of the formula is easily the most difficult to determine as it requires you to have some sense of how the other person feels about you and if you know that then you probably don’t need this formula. There are a few factors that you can know without reading someone’s mind that can help you determine the P though. For instance, if they’re in a relationship already, your P is going to be pretty low unless your the main character in a Rom-com in which case how are you even reading this? This formula also puts the entirety of a person’s emotional insecurity, issues with trust/intimacy/self-confidence, and any other mass of thoughts that get in a person’s way of believing in their own romantic story onto this probability, and we all know how rational we act with regards to these things. So it’s a noted weakness within the formula.

My final component of this formula is the G score, or Go For It. Based on almost 10 whole minutes of thought I’ve determined that if your G score is anywhere above 1.2 then you have no excuse for why you haven’t made your intentions clear. If it’s between 1.2 and 1.0 then you should probably be having “that” conversation but it’s ok if you’re still waiting for that right moment. Below 1.0? Sleep on it bud, don’t make hasty decisions.

Now, this sounds all well and nice (or ludicrous if you didn’t get on board with it)  but I’ve yet to demonstrate if this formula can actually be useful in any context. So examples time it is!

Problem 1) L = 7 (I like really like her dude) D = 2 ( I only met her a couple weeks ago and our only mutual friend is an old mission companion) P = 50% or .5.

(7/2) = 3.5 x .5 = 1.75, ya gotta go for it.

Problem 2) L = 10 ( I don’t think I could live without her!) D = 9 (We’ve been best friends forever) P = 20% or .2 (She may or may not be engaged)

(10/9) = 1.11 x .2 = .22, Dawg you gotta get over yourself and move the fetch on. Tinder maybe?

Problem 3) L = 4 (She’s cool, but like we just started hanging out) D = 1 (We’re both adults who can get over this so there really isn’t a risk of a lost friendship here. Also no history helps) P 50% or .5 (Can’t get a read on her man)

(4/1) = 4 x .5  = 2, Shoot your shot my guy.

Problem 4) L = 8 (Ahh Jeez, I like really care about her don’t I?) D = 5  I don’t think my social life would implode, but it’d be a challenge) P = 65% or .65 (I think she likes me, but I can’t fathom why she does)

(8/5) = 1.6 x .65 = 1.04, Hmmm you should probably be gearing yourself up for this talk, but you alright to wait a bit for either more information or just a night where you’re really feeling yourself.