Provos Most Eligable?

Well, life got busy for me for a little while there and that pushed back my write-up for the second episode of the surprise online hit “The Bachelor of Provo” so far that the show isn’t even called The Bachelor of Provo anymore.

For those unaware (I can’t fathom how you wouldn’t know about the renaming but still want to read this blog post) shortly after the second episode of The Bachelor of Provo a few news outlets had started picking up on the buzz around the show and once they started publishing interviews with the creators and articles about the show surprise, surprise the big bad guys of Warner Bros came down with copyright allegations and they came down hard. So hard that they forced the show to rename itself and drop the rose ceremony from the show entirely, alongside some other less monumental changes.

I won’t lie, part of me wants to get into the nitty-gritty of exactly why the show got copyright striked and how totally in the right Warner Bros was to do it (legally at least) but that’s probably a whole other write-up on its own. So let’s just stay focused on my thoughts and feelings of episode two of Provo’s Most Eligible?

Right at the start, we have another skit about Provo dating and just… no. We’re all painfully aware of what this show is about and if we’re sitting down to watch episode two we don’t need to be reminded or sold on it again. We want to watch cringy Provo people be hilariously awkward around each other so we can all feel better about the awkward, cringy stuff we do in our day to day lives. No skits required.

Moving past that though we get the intro sequence and then cut directly to… Colin walking onto a stage and doing some of the most amazing, and definitely awkward white guy dancing ever caught on camera. I’m a really bad dancer, but that was just rough to watch.

After (AFTER) Colin’s routine? It’s explained to us that the group date portion of the show will be a talent show! Oh cool right? Wrong. Rather then having a diverse set of acts to showcase the uniqueness of each contestant we get just an enormous hot mess. Props to Annalee though for at least trying to be unique with tap-rapping. Would’ve been like way cooler if you did both at the same time, but separate is fine too I suppose.

I know I said I wouldn’t mention copyright stuff, but can we not all acknowledge the hilarity of this show consistently using that garbage copyright free music only to get struck down with copyright strikes anyway? Just hilarious.

Anyways, after the talent show we’re treated to our first solo date with Colin and Megan! Megan is the one… ahhh…. hold on. *Googles furiously* Megan the surgical technology major! I’m sure she has other definining personality traits but good lord can we not tell from the show, at least we get this scene with the blanket depicted below and it’s gotta be the most provo thing I’ve ever seen on a screen. Just spectacular for all the wrong reasons.

Cred @Provosmosteligable

From there were back to them all hanging out and trying to chat with Colin and we finally get some juicy drama. It starts with Abby taking Colin aside and basically asking him why he’s even bothering with these other girls because their connection is so strong.

Big plays for big ballers ya know?

The drama continues to flow as it’s revealed (By Abby I think, pot stirrer much?) that Lucy, in between filming episode one and two got a boyfriend. Seriously people, if you’ve never been to Provo this is actually the kind of stuff that happens on a regular basis. Colin and Lucy handle it like mature adults though and Lucy departs the show that night. Whatever shall we do without another blonde, average height, person from… was it Hawaii? Yeah, Hawaii. That’s the one. Jeez Colin has a type and it’s showing.

There’s a couple more things that happen like Kate showing Colin more magic, and even though it’s totally obvious that the show is super fake bordering on scripted the two of them have a fun energy together. Like two dweebs just dorking out together.

Oh yeah, there’s also this tiny little thing of Annali trying to snag a SMOOCH from Colin. Dang, I’m upset that I’ve already used the bold strategy meme in this write-up because that was a extra big play for a truly enormous baller. Props to going for it Annali, and extra props for asking for consent first, it’s 2019 people, consent isn’t hard. Simple verbal confirmations are easy enough right? I mean he shot her down so that’s unfortunate for Annali, but I’ve still gotta give her points for trying right?

After the smooch rejection tragedy (or a blessing depending on your POV) we get to the rose ceremony (last one apparently!) and honest to goodness who even cares at this point. Both Annalee and Annali move onto the next round which means there is still hope in my heart that they’ll have a duel to the death to absorb each other’s powers highlander style. The adorkable Kate got a rose and so did everyone’s favourite girl with an accent Elena, everyone else doesn’t matter anymore as far as I’m concerned.

New episode of Provo’s Most Eligable comes out this weekend and now that I’ve got a somewhat normal schedule I should be able to get the write-up on it out in a more timely manner. So like a week, week and a half from now I guess? Till then, Later!


Pika Pika

Something I’ve come to realize over the past couple of weeks is that not only do I see significantly more movies than the average person, but I also follow movie news much more closely, especially when it comes to trailers. I’ll be totally honest with you, I thought most people watched most trailers that came out for movies. There only a couple minutes long and they’re these little snippets of films to come. I love em! A good trailer can really take a person from somewhat uninterested to genuinely hyped for a film. This is the case for me with Detective Pikachu.

Yeah no, you can still read. There is a Detective Pikachu movie coming out next year. When I first heard about it I immediately thought, “This is going to be amazing with how weird it is or an absolute train wreck right from the get-go.”  Just think about the premise of it.

1. A live-action pokémon movie, already pretty nuts.

2. Pikachu is a detective in it. What?

3. Pikachu is played by Ryan Reynolds. Actually, this one makes a lot of sense.

With all these things considered if really feels like the movie should be just a total mess. Then the trailer for it dropped today. Here it is.

I don’t know about you, but I’m leaning on it’s going to be amazing with how weird it is line of thought. First off, the pokémon largely look really good. There’s a little bit of questionable/uncanny feeling for some of them, but for the most part were in a good spot, especially with Pikachu him… her… do pokémon have genders? I don’t know, but the point is that Pikachu looks friggen adorable. Also, this movie looks genuinely entertaining, and I can say that with some level of authority because for whatever strange reason my parents didn’t let me or my siblings play pokémon growing up so I don’t really have those rose-tinted glasses who just wants to see pokémon in real life. This trailer has actually got me excited to see this movie, although I (and also everyone else) shouldn’t be putting this much stock into a trailer, we’ve all seen great trailers that turned into dumpster fires of movies. I’m looking right at you Suicide Squad, now go back to your dark corner and think about what you did. Later.

Provo’s Got Fries!

About two summers ago I set out to find what I thought was the best burger in the Provo/Orem area. I had a really great time doing that, I ate a bunch of exceptional burgers, pissed a good number of folks off by calling In-N-Out entirely overrated, (I still stand by that opinion, even though I admit that a Double-Double is probably the best burger for under 4 dollars) and found a new personal favourite in Tommy’s Double Chili burger, sure it takes years off my life expectancy every time I eat it, but it’s 100% worth I swear.  Searching through  Provo for the best burger was a great time, but I missed something critical in that search.

Who on earth just eats the burger? How can one accurately consider the best burger places without taking an honest look at their fries? It’s just plain silly. So now I’m ready to correct this mistake. I Jonny Tollestrup, along with some eager french fry “gurus”, (really they’re just people with an unhealthy love for potatoes) will set out to scour the Provo/Orem area for the best fries they can offer, will it be difficult? No. Dawg this is just an excuse to each french fries on a regular basis without feeling guilty about those calories. Also content. Get off my back.

“But Jonny, who pray to tell are these brilliant guru’s you speak of?”

Well rhetorical voice, I’m really glad you asked because I was wondering how I could introduce these fine ladies. The core of my panel is made up by one Lindsay Leavitt and Nicole Trette. Each of them bring their own unique qualifications to the table, for example Lindsay is what some might refer to as a “fiend” for french fries, I wouldn’t though because that would be mean and I’ve never said a mean thing about another human being in my life because that’s just not the person that I am. Obviously. Regardless Lindsay’s expertise on this subject comes from a wealth of experience that can’t be matched. Seriously though, she might have a problem though.

 

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Actual footage of Lindsay two days into a fry “Cleanse”

 

My other panel member, Nicole is here for many different reasons. Nicole’s ability to dissect flavours and articulate her feelings on them is second to none. One might not believe it possible to bring truly nuanced thought into the world of the french fry, but Nicole has gone and done it already. This brings a great deal of authority into the search, like how having Simon Cowell dumping on people lends credibility to whatever talent show he’s currently on. (I think it’s X-factor?)  As an added benefit Nicole’s nuanced and particular thoughts manage to make my absurdly pretentious takes on fast food sound almost like the common man speaking. One might even go as far to say that Nicole is one of them “bougie” folks when it comes to fried potatoes.

 

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Nicole ordering on the left vs me on the right

Then, of course, there’s me, but Y’all already know me and frankly, I need no introduction.

That’s the core of my panel, I’m sure they’ll be others that I’ll bring in as I go, but the rest of them are tag-alongs and only the opinions of the three people above should be listened to with any degree of seriousness. ( 4 lines and I’m right back to be the pretentious one, nice moves Jonny!)

With the introductions out of the way let’s get into the first round of fries! For this exercise, I opted to get fries from four different establishments at a time and pit them against each other and I’ll keep doing it until I’m sure that I’ve hit all the joints with fries that are worthwhile. Also as a side note, at no point will sweet potato fries even be considered. As Lindsay put it, “they’re not really even fries”.  Also, sauces served with the fries will be taken into consideration. Just gotta let you know for transparencies sake.

This first round features Cubby’s Buffalo Bleu fries, In-N-Out’s hand cut fries, Chic-Fil-A’s waffle fries, and Mooyah’s Hand-cut Idaho fries. I gathered thoughts about the fries and at the end of the evening, I asked my panellists to rank them from best to worst with the best of the four receiving 4 points, 2nd 3 points, 3rd 2 points and last 1 point. The scores were added up at the end of the night to determine the winner and losers.

For Cubby’s fries, the panel was mostly in consensus, the buffalo bleu cheese sauce was really good and Lindsay in particular like that it had a good kick without being unnecessarily spicy, but the actual fry was quite underwhelming. Nicole noted in particular that she couldn’t even notice the rosemary seasoning and the fry didn’t taste “potatoes” enough. We all agreed that the softness of the fries was a real problem and if they had crisped them up a bit more it would’ve been a major improvement. All the panellists agreed that it was the worst fry of the evening scoring just 3 measly points.

Not far off from Cubby’s though was In-N-Out’s fries which were eaten with salt and the pickled infused fry sauce served in an outrageously large packet. For myself, I really want to focus on the sauce, because like almost everything else at In-N-Out it’s hilariously overrated. Don’t get me wrong it improved the fry and both of my panellists will echo that opinion, but all the other places we had fries from had better sauces in my mind, although my panellists might break away from me on that opinion. Both Nicole and Lindsay were big fans of the pickle infused sauce and while Lindsay appreciated the thinner cut of fry it could not be ignored that In-N-Out was lacking something and because of that, it scored the second lowest at 7 points.

 

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If the fries we had were half as crispy as this picture In-N-Out might’ve actually done well.

 

Scoring just a touch better at 9 points was Mooyah’s Hand-cut Idaho fries. Normally I prefer to eat these with malt vinegar like a civilized man, but for reasons out of my control (didn’t remember to pick it up) that wasn’t available so ordinary fry sauce was used instead. Mooyah’s picked up early fans in the panellist for actually managing to be a nice crispy fry, even though Nicole noted a peculiar aftertaste. Lindsay apparently had no thoughts on the fry because I have no notes, though she did vote for it as her personal favourite so she liked it I guess?

At 11 points the winner of this potato-themed battle royale was Chic-Fil-A and their waffle fries. Both Lindsay and Nicole pointed out that the waffle shape and it’s ability to be easily folded for dipping without sacrificing crispiness was a major boon. I don’t think the shape of the fry matter much, but they were nice and crispy. Interesting to note though is that part of the consensus formed by the panel was that on their own Chic-Fil-A is not the strongest fry, but the wide range of very tasty dipping sauces is what really pushes them to the top. Lindsay was saddened by the fact that she didn’t have ranch to dip them with, but she also could’ve got ranch if she had just asked for it at the drive through like a normal person might’ve done, so whose fault is that? (Aight that might’ve crossed the line from being passive aggressive to a straight out attack, my bad and sorry. Totally still leaving it in though)

 

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Seriously what’s special about that shape?

 

Beyond petty disputes like that though it was pretty clear that Chic-Fil-A and their sauces had captured the hearts of the panel and for the time being get to hold the title of best fries in the Provo/Orem area. How long will they hold onto that title though? Who knows? Probably depends on when I next manage to find the time to drive to 4 differant fast food joints in a single night. So don’t hold your breath or anything. Later.

 

 

 

Tilters

Everyone has these little things that just annoy them to no end. There really isn’t a good reason to get that upset about them, but we do. Our pet peeves just really dig into us and push our buttons. Here are some of the things that put me on tilt.

Women:

Nah I’m just playing, we all know its white people that actually get me on tilt. Specifically French Canadians.

Scatter Arrow:

This is the stupidest thing in all of Overwatch, and this is a game filled to the brim with things that are stupid. For those unaware, Scatter Arrow is a special skill the character Hanzo uses in the game. Basically, he takes a regular arrow and shoots it, but when it hits something it doesn’t stop like a normal arrow. Instead, it splinters into a 100 million trillion little arrows that fly off in every direction and those splinters ricochet off the walls a few more times. 99% of Overwatch players don’t understand how to properly use this ability, but that doesn’t stop them from hitting me square in the head with it every time with some BS that bounced off three walls before finding me. It wouldn’t even be that bad if I didn’t have to see the kill cam only to realize they were aiming in the total opposite direction. I’m counting down the days until that ridiculous skill is removed from the game. Kaplan pls.

The traffic circle near my apartment:

It’s a big stereotype that Utah drivers are bad, but it really is true, and you only have to watch what happens at this traffic stop day in and day out to know just how bad it is. It’s a one-lane circle with yield signs marking all the entry points not that those matter though since every person who’s ever gone through it just barrels in like its their God-given right to do so. I swear some idiot is going to T-bone me in that circle one of these days and when it happens just know that I called it.

“EDM and Rap aren’t Music!”:

Believe it or not I still occasionally hear some form of this sentence from time to time. I get that you don’t like those genres, but come on, it’s obviously music. Maybe you think it’s such a terrible form of music that it lowers the art form as a whole just by existing,  and if you would say that I’d at least respect you for understanding at the most basic level what music is, but no one says that. When you say it isn’t music, you just sound like a 90-year-old senior who couldn’t find middle C on the piano if your life depended on it. (Not that I could either, but I’m not the one saying absurd things so I’m not on trial here.) Just stop.

The itch near my eye:

It’s like right where my glasses rest against my nose and it’s so annoying.

“Is esports real sports?”:

This is one I only see online, but it has to be the most pointless debate ever. The answer is 100%, “who cares?”. esports is here, it’s competitive, and it’s growing in popularity. 10 organizations paid 20 million a piece to be in The Overwatch League, its real, trust me. If you still need talking heads on ESPN to tell you your hobby has value then you’ve got bigger problems.

The guy in my ward to thinks Jeopardy is stupid:

What is you’re stupid?

Bananas:

Could they like not go bad the day after I buy them? I make sure to buy them with a good bit of green on them to avoid this, but that doesn’t seem to change much. They’re still covered in brown spots by the next morning.

Aight I’m done. Also, this totally wasn’t the project I mentioned when I said I wasn’t going to blog last Friday. That’s a whole other thing that I still haven’t figured out at all. Later.

Da King

It’s been a while since I talked about burgers, hasn’t it? Luckily for me, and really unlucky for my body Burger King just came out with a brand new burger. The Sourdough King.

I know that I’m supposed to be eating healthier and honestly, I have been, but the Sourdough Jack from Jack in the Box is one of my all-time favorite burgers so how could I not try Burger King’s version? The answer, of course, is with self-discipline but it’s far too late for that now. I’ll go back to eating salads and vegetables today. Saturday though?It was all about this ridiculous burger.

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Just look at it. How glorious. Of course, that’s not how it actually looked when I ordered it, but that’s the nature of the game.

The Sourdough King contains two 1/4 pound patties, American cheese, about as much bacon as the Baconater, onions (if you’re so inclined, I am not), and Burger King’s signature creamy sauce, which I thought tasted a lot like Big Mac sauce. Oh yeah, and it’s got a sourdough bun instead of the normal one. duh.

Enough about that you want to know if it’s any good. Yeah, it is. I won’t lie this burger is stupid delicious, not like cracking my top 5 favorite burgers but pretty solid stuff from a fast food joint. The sourdough bun it’s named for is also a welcome addition, but in fairness I’m a sucker for sourdough bread so that was going to be a given. My biggest complaint about the Sourdough King is actually that it has too much meat. It’s weird to type things like that out, feels unnatural. It’s 100% true though when I ate this burger the only thing I could really taste was the beef, so BK either needs to dial it back with the patties just a bit or consider more sauce so that I can feel just a little less like a savage as I chow down on this thing.

Actually, hold up I have another complaint. It’s too pricey. 5.99 for a burger from Burger King is like a lot, at least here in Provo it is. I know back in Canada paying 6 bucks for a burger sounds pretty ok, but here I can’t say I’m a fan. For the price of one Sourdough King, I could get 4 value menu cheeseburgers, a small fry, and a drink instead. (Don’t ask me how I know that I’ve put those days behind me.) So while the Sourdough King is a pretty tasty burger I just don’t feel like I’m getting fair value for my dollar on it. A double-double from In-N-Out is just 3.65 and it’s better than this, although there is never the misery of waiting in line for 30 minutes at Burger King so pros and cons ya know?

Anyways that’s what I think about Burger King’s new burger. Later.

 

blonde

At least once a month since like October of 2016, I’ve found myself listening to Frank Ocean’s album blonde in its entirety. It’s just one of those albums that I feel like I’ll never fully get over, and that is a really good thing. It’s an outstanding album that sounds so unique to me that I don’t know if anything could ever replace it. I don’t know that anything will ever do what blonde does as well as it does. blonde makes me feel nostalgic, relaxed, remorseful, inspired, guilty, liberated, and at peace all in a single album. It’s such an overused term, but blonde really is some deep stuff. I’m sure there is some subgenre out there that sounds an awful lot like blonde but I haven’t found it and frankly, I doubt anything in this hypothetical genre can match the quality of blonde. The best comment I’ve ever heard about blonde that I think really sums up the album is that it’s like looking out the window on a long road trip reminiscing about the incredible journey you’ve just been on.

I really don’t have much else to say about it. I don’t want to just sit here and pummel you with reasons I think you should listen to this album. I just think you should. If you just want to take a sample of it I’d start with Siegfried, then immediately go and start the album from the start and listen to it uninterrupted. Later.

Opinions

Recently I’ve felt like I’ve lost my voice, at least with writing. I can still ramble for hours and hours in conversation about who even knows anymore, but when I put the pen to paper nothing quite feels right. Actually right really isn’t a good word for that, it’s more like nothing quite feels entirely like myself. I feel like I’m holding back in my writing.

Personally I’d really like to stop doing that. So in the future I may write things that you read as an insult, it’s not. I may write things that are absurd and outlandish, they probably are. I may call something or someone you like mediocre, I really think they are. I don’t think anyone is stupid or silly because they like a certain thing though. I’ve said for a while now that I think everyone has the right to like a few stupid things and have some stupid ideas. Here are some of mine:

  • I like KFC more than Chic-Fil-A. If you’re gonna eat fried chicken just go all the way with the grease.
  • I love to watch golf. Thanks Dad.
  • Adam Sandler could be one of the top dramatic actors in Hollywood if he just tried.
  • I still listen to 50 Cent occasionally. Those beats are sick.
  • In-N-Out is nowhere near the best burger you can get. It is the best burger you can get for under 4 bucks though.
  • 7-UP is better than Sprite.
  • I still kinda enjoy the Transformers movies even though I bash on them all the time.
  • Redheads are more attractive than all other human beings. @ me. It’s science.
  • I hate wearing sweats in public more than just about anything. It’s lazy and unprofessional.
  • Athletic shorts are fine though.
  • Texting people is ridiculous, if it isn’t an emergency or arranging a time to meet just tell me next time you see me.
  • Batman Begins is just as good as The Dark Knight.
  • I’m not sure Utah is white enough.

Ok that last one is a joke, the only way Utah could get whiter is if you bleached the whole Salt Lake Valley.

The rest of them are actual things I think and yeah, I realize that most if not all of them are ridiculous. That’s the point. So the next time I say something and you think, “how could he say something like that?” just remember that I say a lot of weird things. Don’t take it personally.