Hold on… Wait…

I am not a smart man. Well sometimes I am, we all have our moments, right? For me, I find that all too often I find myself in scenarios where I have to realize that I might be one of the stupidest humans to ever walk this planet. We all know those moments where we catch ourselves mid-sentence saying something that makes absolutely no sense what so ever but its too late and we just have to ride it out? Those moments. The ones we think about late at night when we’re trying to sleep and our brain is just like, “Nah, let’s relive the most embarassing moments possible!” Here are a couple of those moments I’ve had recently.

Yesterday I decided to go to Target to go get some things, but I got distracted thinking about another errand I had to go run so I took a wrong turn thinking I was going to do that other errand. 20 seconds later I realize I wanted to be going to Target so I turn around and start heading back in the right direction. Then I think about how I’m hungry and maybe I should get some food while I’m out and I drive right by Target. Realizing my mistake I turn around again. Get distracted by another errand, miss Target, turn around, think about food, miss Target, turn around… You get the picture. I ended up driving past Target 5 or 6 times because of this. I honest to goodness might be top 5 dumbest people alive.

Another time at work I was listening to some music whilst changing some lights, humming along as I normally do when a co-worker of mine asks me, “hey are you listening to Gorillaz?” Like the band Gorillaz. I opted at that moment to reply with a blank stare for a solid minute, then shrugging my shoulders and going back to work.

“Are you listening to Gorillaz?” He asked again more confused.

“I don’t understand the question.” Is how I answered him this time.

“Like your music, is it Gorillaz?”

More silence as my rickety brain finally begins to put things together, “Oh sorry, no.”

At this point my co-worker bursts into laughter. I stood on a ladder with bright red cheeks wondering how on earth I survived this long with this freaking brain.

For the record, it wasn’t Gorillaz I was listening to, not that it makes me look any less idiotic.

I was going to share another profoundly stupid moment of mine to get three which seemed like a nice number for something like this, but at the moment I just can’t think of anything. Maybe I’m getting smarter? Nah probably more likely that my mind is going the way of my father and I’m simply forgetting everything that happens to me. Oh well, later!

 

 

 

Pika Pika

Something I’ve come to realize over the past couple of weeks is that not only do I see significantly more movies than the average person, but I also follow movie news much more closely, especially when it comes to trailers. I’ll be totally honest with you, I thought most people watched most trailers that came out for movies. There only a couple minutes long and they’re these little snippets of films to come. I love em! A good trailer can really take a person from somewhat uninterested to genuinely hyped for a film. This is the case for me with Detective Pikachu.

Yeah no, you can still read. There is a Detective Pikachu movie coming out next year. When I first heard about it I immediately thought, “This is going to be amazing with how weird it is or an absolute train wreck right from the get-go.”  Just think about the premise of it.

1. A live-action pokémon movie, already pretty nuts.

2. Pikachu is a detective in it. What?

3. Pikachu is played by Ryan Reynolds. Actually, this one makes a lot of sense.

With all these things considered if really feels like the movie should be just a total mess. Then the trailer for it dropped today. Here it is.

I don’t know about you, but I’m leaning on it’s going to be amazing with how weird it is line of thought. First off, the pokémon largely look really good. There’s a little bit of questionable/uncanny feeling for some of them, but for the most part were in a good spot, especially with Pikachu him… her… do pokémon have genders? I don’t know, but the point is that Pikachu looks friggen adorable. Also, this movie looks genuinely entertaining, and I can say that with some level of authority because for whatever strange reason my parents didn’t let me or my siblings play pokémon growing up so I don’t really have those rose-tinted glasses who just wants to see pokémon in real life. This trailer has actually got me excited to see this movie, although I (and also everyone else) shouldn’t be putting this much stock into a trailer, we’ve all seen great trailers that turned into dumpster fires of movies. I’m looking right at you Suicide Squad, now go back to your dark corner and think about what you did. Later.

Station 22

So I have this roommate. B A N A N A S right? Anyways he recently invited me and another roommate out to eat at a restaurant here in Provo called Station 22. Because I’m me and can’t keep my mouth shut for longer than 4 or 5 minutes at a time I have thoughts.

Let’s begin with some of the good things about it. The atmosphere was really nice.  It’s a nice pretty little restaurant that feels fancy, but not in an overbearing way. Somewhere you could bring a date to impress her while not making her think you were gonna pull a crazy Provo move and propose on the first date.  It’s comfortable while still feeling upscaled. At least from the perspective of me, a student it feels that way. For those with more disposable income/ any disposable income, a place like Station 22 might not feel very upscale but more run of the mill, even so, I feel confident saying that Station 22 has a good atmosphere about it. It’s quaint, Station 22 feels like a much older restaurant than it actually is and that’s a good thing.

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Colour coordinated book placements? That’s an OCD owner for sure.

Moving beyond the looks of the restaurant though the much more interesting question has to be about the quality of food and service there. There’s little to say about the service, the staff were friendly and good at their jobs. With food, there is obviously going to be more to say. At my visit, I had their whiskey chicken with mashed potatoes and fries because I’m still a fatty Mcfatfat that will each french fries literally anytime they’re offered to me. I would describe the dish in more detail, but I think it’d be easier to just show you a picture.

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It’s still Utah so of course, there was fry sauce served with the fries. 

It looks just about as good as it tasted, the chickens breading was crunchy without being overwhelming and hiding the nice tender chicken underneath, the whiskey sauce was just delightfully tasty, although being totally honest I wasn’t quite feeling the mushrooms. It was almost like they had marinated in the sauce for too long so they gave such a potent flavor it made it difficult to taste much of anything else on the plate. Mashed potatoes and gravy were really good, but that’s a dish I personally always find enjoyable so take that with a grain of salt.  Carrots on their own were a little boring but I believe they were meant to also be paired with the whiskey sauce and with that it was quite a treat. Lastly, of course, are the fries which were frankly disappointing. As you may know, I consider myself a bit of a fry expert and well… these fries were simply too soft. A good french fry needs a nice crispy quality to it and these just didn’t have it. Overall this meal was satisfying and enjoyable but not without its flaws.

This leaves me at the end, to now say if I would recommend people visit this establishment. It’s a nice charming place along Provo’s center street, the food is pretty good and it has friendly staff so why not recommend it? Simple, Station 22 is too expensive for the quality of the meal you get. My whiskey chicken and fries ran me up some fourteen dollars and I’m more than confidant in saying that I didn’t get my money’s worth. Station 22 is a good restaurant that simply costs a touch too much to really be in the sweet spot of somewhere I’d like to frequent. 6.5/10. Later.

 

Purple

 

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So this is a thing.

 

I probably need to explain myself right? Also, side note, even though I’m rocking some hardcore RBF right there, I swear I’m actually pretty good with how my hair looks. Moving on now.

Can I just give folks the line, “girlfriends. Not even once” and move on? Is that satisfactory? No? It makes it sound like my girlfriend did this out of spite? Fine. Come on though, it’s not like I don’t have some history of making rash decisions regarding my hair on basically zero information. I legit shaved my head bald on nothing more than the prompt of a roommate asking if I wanted to. (That one was a big mistake though, still a good story though.)

So Here’s the basic timeline for how I ended up with purple dye in my hair. Honestly, it’s a pretty boring story. Basically, my girlfriend was dying her hair purple. Not like all of it, just like the bottom half, I guess, jeez this would be easier to explain if I just had a picture. Hold on a sec… Do I have one on my phone… No? wtf am I even trying as a boyfriend? Whatever.

Anyways she’s dying her hair and once she finishes up with it there’s a reasonable amount of dye leftover. Not a ton, but enough that it would feel wasteful to simply throw it out. At this point, Lindsay (the girlfriend) shoots me a look and with a reserved excitement asks, “Can I put it in your hair?”

Now, this next little bit takes place in about 5 seconds but takes a lot longer to explain because it involves a number of decisions that take place in my own mind. Just so you know and understand the impulsive nature of this whole thing.

When I’m asked questions like this there are two things I think about. The first is always, “What’s the worst that could happen?”. With dye involved the worst that can happen is actually pretty bad though.  At least to some people. Really in my mind, the worst thing that could happen is that it looks just dreadful, in which case the solution to my problem is pretty simple, wear a hat. I’m already known to frequently wear baseball caps so it wouldn’t even be a stretch to just wear one every day. Sure it might get a little awkward at church but I’m dating someone from the same congregation as me every Sunday is already an awkward cringefest with every member of the bishopric asking me for updates so adding the awkward conversation about a hat seems an easy task. That being said that literally a worst case scenario and frankly its pretty unlikely so I’m confident at that point to proceed on the merits of “what’s the worst that could happen.”

The second question I always ask myself when making these sort of decisions is whether or not this will make a good story.  I thought there was a reasonable chance and frankly, it’s up to you folks reading this blog post to decide if I was right about that. Either way, I thought the probability of this being a good story was high enough to proceed.

Remember all these thoughts happen in about 5 seconds.

“Sure, why not?” is what I opted for as my response. Boy, you wouldn’t believe how Lindsay’s face lit up when she heard that. Her excitement was only matched by her other roommate’s concern for my well-being. They must have thought I’d lost my bloody mind. Which is true, but like I lost it ages ago this is far from the event that confirmed my insanity.

Before we can get started with the dye though we need to solve the problem of my shirt. See I had apparently made the mistake of wearing a pretty nice shirt that day. Probably because I hadn’t realized that I would be dying my hair that day, but hey that’s my bad for not being able to see into the future. Luckily for me Lindsay’s roommate Abby had an old t-shirt that was just large enough to wrap around my neck to shield my nice button up. Oddly enough the colour of it matched pretty close to the shirt I was wearing so it looked like I had like a turtleneck on so now I also know that turtlenecks are an absolute no-go for me. Two birds one stone or something like that.

Pseudo-turtleneck in hand though I was now prepped for the dye, which Lindsay applied despite the fact that her roommate is a licensed cosmetologist. Still not 100% sure why it happened that way, but hey I’m not here to complain just tell stories. I was pretty convinced that the dye wasn’t even going to stick all that well anyways. It had been exposed for a pretty long time and absolutely nothing had been done to my hair to prepare it for dye. Literally, she just took the dye and painted (is that a good word for this? idk) the top of my head with it. So how likely was it for the dye to even stick? Pretty good as it turns out.

Half an hour later and things have settled and it’s time to give my hair a quick wash before revealing the final product. Minor snag though. The Branbury, the apartment complex me and Lindsay both live at, is BYU approved housing. Which means there are a few arbitrary rules that have to be followed. Like guys can’t use the bathrooms in girls apartments. (I KNOW ITS RIDICULOUS YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME!) This means that in order to wash my hair out I have to lean over and use their kitchen sink. Perfect. So I’ve got my head in a kitchen sink and as I’m getting my hair washed out I’m seeing a lot of purples come out. Figures I think to myself, the dye didn’t stick, which is a shame but removes any fears I would’ve had about how it’ll look.

Nope. Turns out that really normal (I really know nothing about hair do I?) and a couple of minutes later I’m looking in the mirror at this freaking anime character that’s taken the place of myself. Oh well, now I can at least live out my fantasy of being an anime character, though the magic powers haven’t appeared yet which is straight bs. Also the huge freaking smile on Lindsay’s face when she saw my hair was pretty worth it as well. Not even to mention that it doesn’t even look all that bad. Maybe next time I’ll go all out and dye all my hair… Nah, that ish is expensive. Later!

Building Childhood

Life is a stressful experience. No matter who you are, what you do, or how you do it eventually stress begins to weigh down on you pretty heavily. For some that weight feels like you’ve got one too many books in your backpack and you can just soldier on, for others, it’s closer to having your backpack replaced with a solid cinderblock, that is also somehow on fire. That’s not so easy to cope with.

Either way, everyone eventually needs to destress in some way or another.  This is usually where peoples hobbies come into play, sometimes though taking that hour or two with your knick-knacks isn’t enough and you need that thing most everyone dreams about.

A Vacation. To take some time and literally just leave your world behind while you go off and soak some rays, eat good food, and do all the other touristy stuff everyone low-key likes doing but we’re all too cool for it or something. Maybe you prefer a staycation because you actually really like where you live and just want to ignore work emails for a week. I like ignoring emails, especially ones I’m supposed to respond to.  (btw I still answer my emails) You might be like me though and be lacking in both the time to take a vacation or the funding for one either. What’s a person to do then?

You know what I did? I built a car. Out of cardboard.

I honest to goodness didn’t think that building a cardboard car would be a distressing experience when I started doing it. Arts and crafts have never been my strong suit and I usually find it pretty frustrating while I’m doing them. I don’t like looking at my shoddy craftsmanship, and of all the things in the world, it’s one of the few things that makes me feel self-conscious. Why? Who knows, it’s honestly the dumbest thing but it’s the way this stupid mind works.

So why was I building this thing in the first place if I thought it might stress me out.

Same reason I do half the dumb things I do because a pretty girl asked me if I wanted to. Come on now, who do you think is writing this thing? In my defence, I’m now dating that pretty girl, so double win because I got a dope cardboard car and a girlfriend out of it. Although I doubt it was the cardboard car that made her want to go out with me… I should ask her about that. Might get awkward if she says it was though…

Sorry I was trailing off there. Cars! I built one. Yes, I did. This is what it looked like. At least the back of it.

IMG-1413.JPGI know what you’re thinking here. Good lord Jonny, that doesn’t look good at all. Like Jeez, the wheeze dude my 3rd grader could make a better-looking car. You are 100% correct. Also, your 3rd grader can fight me. I ain’t afraid to hit a child. (jk I am oh please don’t let me get into trouble for that.) This is very far from being a well made, good looking piece of art. You know what it does look like though? A beat-down wood-panelled van from the 70’s. So considering what I was going for I think I did a pretty bang-up job with the creation of this vehicle.  I probably could’ve improved it by using a smaller box for the bottom portion allowing the car to be better proportioned, but that sounds like some try hard bs that I just ain’t into.

Trying to make this look like a convincing replica of an actual vehicle would’ve defeated the entire purpose of making it in the first place. This was about tapping back into the childlike wonder of creating things. To simply make something for the sake of making it, not to try and be the best, or worry about how many likes you were going to get on Facebook/Instagram. This was about letting go of everything that makes a person an adult and just making something fun. Let me tell you something, this thing was wicked fun to make! (Admittedly having great company around whilst I made it helped a lot, but still a worthwhile activity)

You might be thinking, “Jonny are you going to explain just how you made this thing? What was the process?” Sod off buddy, that also defeats the purpose. If you’re wondering how I did this let me tell you something. Don’t wonder, just go make it. All you need is a bunch of cardboard and some imagination, cardboard is freaking everywhere so that shouldn’t be too hard to get a hold of, imagination is apparently a harder thing for some people. I suppose if you’re really lacking in that area you can hit a tab of acid before starting your car, but you didnt hear taht from me and I won’t be held responsible for what happens if you do that. Just don’t think about these things so much and let yourself have fun creating. I promise that while its not as good as taking a vacation its a lot more affordable! Later.

 

 

Belated Birthdays

It’s been a busy couple of days so I haven’t found the time to get a birthday blog post written out.

Ok, let’s talk about my year. When I turned 25 last year the reality was that I was not in a really good place. Turning 25 was a point where I made a realization that I really wasn’t doing what I wanted to be doing with my life. I felt creatively stunted, burnt out, and easily worst of all totally unmotivated to even bother trying to change things.

Luckily this didn’t persist. I got back into writing with a determined focus to find my voice in words. I still think there’s a lot of room for refinement, but I think this whole informal, conversational tone I’ve been doing lately has been a really good fit for me and it’s shown itself in the outstanding improvements to my writing over this past year.  I’m honest to goodness stunned with how much progress I made as a writer in the past year, and also with how much room I still have to grow. I’m really excited to keep improving this blog and the rest of my writing in general.

Life didn’t change just in terms of writing through this last year either. I’ve made it abundantly clear in my blog that my relationship with religion, for the most part, has been pretty casual, there was a brief moment where I took it real serious and it didn’t pan out well so for a very long time I kept it at arms distance. Maybe enough time had passed and my heart had softened, or maybe living in Utah for two years has just worn me down, but religion has taken a much more prominent role in my life again. I’ll never be one of those Peter Priesthood types that really push religion out of every orifice of my body but it definitely matters to me in a real way again. Weirdly enough it was all the little social things the church does that got me actually taking my religion seriously again. So even though I like to make fun of things like FHE, Ward activities, Break the Fast, etc. (sorry if you’re not up on your Morm… Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint’s lingo)  I have to admit that those things played a big role in actually getting me back to church on a regular basis.

Combining with a newfound sense of focus and pride in my writing and a renewed faith, I also found it in me this year to actually try and be a social human being again. I felt like I actually had the confidence to put myself out there, I mean I’m still pretty introverted so it really worked out more like I fell into a social circle but hey, take those W’s where you can find them. I did actually put myself out there in the world of dating and experienced legitimate success. What the F… That still strikes me as utterly and totally bizarre. Maybe I’ll get used to that at some point, but it’s probably more likely that I’ll continue to be in total bewilderment for the time being.

So long as I remember to take deep breaths and not act like a total weirdo I should be fine. Wait I do act like a total weirdo like all the time… oh boy…

Weird rambling about dating that I’m definitely going to get flak for aside, my 26th year on this planet turned out pretty great. I’m pretty happy with how it all turned out. I’m not satisfied though, I need to build on the successes I had last year and continue to refine myself and what I do. That should be a lot of fun. Later!

Split

I swear this is the last one of these things, we’re going back to random stuff like movies real soon.

Going through the message my uncle sent me several weeks ago and taking the time to think through some of the ideas presented in it has got me thinking about identity. How do we see ourselves? For a lot of people, it’s a really tough question, not because we don’t know how we see ourselves, but rather that we can’t be totally sure that the way we see ourselves is accurate.  Do we overexaggerate our strengths and underestimate weaknesses in character? Do we do the opposite and consistently underestimate our own abilities whilst downplaying personal failings.

Are we at times delusional about who we are at our cores?  Do we think we’re really funny when that’s just not the case? Do we think ourselves bland and basic when in reality we’re fascinating and unique individuals? Who knows?

Here’s what I know about my identity. For most of my life, I’ve felt very clearly split into two separate identities.  Not in like a mental disorder kind of way where my whole personality shifts. It’s more like I can pretty clearly see that based on what decisions I make I can go down two radically different paths in life.

Let me elaborate.

On one hand, is JonnyT the entertainer. He thinks only at the moment and never about what path his life might take. He’s creative, he’s funny, and he loses his mind every day sitting through lectures for classes he has no care for at a university he doesn’t really want to be at. Every day he dreams about dropping out, moving to LA and making a go of it in entertainment. He knows full well the odds of that working in his favour are well below 1%, but he still really really wants to do it. He’s decided that it’s ok to work random jobs for the rest of his life so long as he gets to keep expressing himself in a creative way. It’s not that he doesn’t believe in God, it’s just that he doesn’t think about it ever. It just doesn’t matter to him.

On the other hand is Jonathan Tollestrup, member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He’s a deeply religious person who can relate just about everything that happens to him to the gospel. He goes to BYU because he wants to get a degree that will allow him to get a 9-5 job so that one day he can provide for a family. He does this because he knows that’s what he’s supposed to do and its definitely what his parents want him to do. He knows that he’s about to turn 26, and if he’s not careful he might end up being that weird uncle that lives on his own forever. He looks constantly to the future, and he worries about if he’ll measure up to his potential. Religion is the absolute center of his life and even though sometimes the culture of the church frustrates him he loves being a part of it.

Together there is Jonny Tollestrup. He still identifies as a member of the Church, though he’d have to admit he doesn’t think about it as much as he ought to. He’s pretty sure he could make a gospel comparison for just about every situation but opts to make jokes instead usually. He does attend BYU but holy does he not like it. He knows what he wants to do with his life and he knows that there isn’t much room for him to work on it at school. It’s not like there’s a major in stand-up with minors in blogging. He’s there because he’s too afraid to take the plunge and really shoot his shot at his dreams. He doesn’t really want to drop everything and move to LA either though. He just wants to have more time to actually try out all the whacky ideas in his head, but he worries people won’t see it as an authentic expression but rather a desperate plea for attention.

He’s all too aware of his age. 26 isn’t old for most people, but for an unwed fellow in Utah is concerning to him.  also knows that being able to provide for a family is important to him because at some point he does want that. Not in the immediate future, but definitely at some point and if he’s going to do that he’s probably going to need a degree of some sort. He also realizes that he might be downloading his own insecurities onto a blog post at this very moment and that he should probably not be mentioning this stuff out loud. Too late. Later.

 

Catching Up

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

It’s something we all gotta do pretty much every day. Some of us need more than it than others. For myself, I only really need 4-5 hours of sleep each night to keep my functioning at 100%. For the past couple of weeks, however, I’ve only been averaging maybe 2 1/2 hours a night. This has resulted in a slow decay of my ability to function like an ordinary human being that has only been staved off by pumping my body full of caffeine each and every day. Not exactly a healthy or sustainable way of life.

Let’s be clear about something though. I am the only person to blame for this predicament. No one ever forced me to stay awake into the wee hours of the morning, I opted into working a job that begins at 4:30 AM, I am the one at the register buying the Red Bull, and I’m the one that cracks the can open and puts that chemical concoction into my body. These were my decisions and I’ll own them. I’ve been 100% happy to sacrifice my sleep to maintain my current schedule.

It’s just that I’ve hit the brick wall so to say today.

Normally the way my Thursday schedule goes is that I get off work at 8 AM (I work 5 3 1/2 hour shifts each week.) go home and nap for a few hours waking up around 10:30 to 11. I don’t have classes until 3 PM so there’s plenty of time to take a nap, shower and get ready before heading to campus for the school day. I like to get to campus around noon and study in the library for a few hours before class, then once my class (there’s just the one on Thursday’s) is over I’ll grab some food on campus and decide to either go back to the library if there’s a pressing need or head on home for the evening to write a blog or maybe hang out with some people, I can be social you know!

This is not how today went. I have an alarm set to 4 am that either didn’t go off or I was so sleep deprived that my body just straight up ignored it. Cut then to me waking up at 4:28, exactly two minutes before my shift started. It’s physically impossible for me to get there in that time so I ended up being around 10 minutes late. That’s not a big deal, in all honesty, my boss is pretty cool about people being occasionally late, she manages some 15 of us student employees who come in at 4:30 she gets that time management isn’t any of our forte’s. Once I’m there work proceeds as normal, I stay 15 minutes late to make up for being late and to get a couple extra tasks done and then I’m heading home.

Once I get home I make a bee-line straight for my room to get my precious nap in. I’m so looking forward to this thing, so much so that I don’t even bother to switch to the shorts I normally sleep in, the joggers I wore to work will be just fine to sleep in.  My head hits the pillow and just like that the lights are out. When I regain consciousness I grab my phone and to my horror, it isn’t 11 AM like it normally is, it’s nearly 5pm. I’ve completely missed my class, (again this isn’t the biggest deal, lots of extra credit opportunity to make up for missing a lecture here and there) at this moment I come to the powerful realization I started this blog with.

I’ve hit a brick wall, whatever I’ve been doing these past couple of weeks can’t continue in the same manner. I’ve got to start getting to bed at a more reasonable hour, I’ve got to stop relying on caffeine to get me through the day, because if I continue down this path it’s gonna be more than the being a little tardy to work and missing a lecture every once and a while. If I allow myself to continue in this way this it the beginning of a great unravelling for my life. I’ve been down that road before and I refuse to walk it again.

So I’ve written this blog to mark this decision. I Jonathan James Tollestrup vow to get some damn sleep.  I also vow to stop ingesting the chemical concoctions known as energy drinks. I’ll hold on to my caffeinated pops for now, but they also ought to know that they’re in my crosshairs. If you see me awake at some ungodly hour during the weekdays or with a Red Bull in my hand. Reprimand me, harshly. That’s all, thanks for reading as always. Later.

Formulaic

As an adult, I’ve come to loathe math. Some share this opinion, others don’t. I don’t care for math for a few reasons, mostly revolving around my brain’s inability to comprehend the more advanced aspects of mathematics, and by advanced mathematics, I pretty much mean anything from introductory calculus and on. So like 99% of math really. That’s one reason I don’t like math, another reason is that I tend to not really like the concrete nature of it. Lots of people like that mathematics because it gives them concrete answers that are absolutely correct. I think that ish is just so lame. I like to explore different ways of thinking about subjects and you can really only do that if you are at least willing to consider the other way of thinking was some value. If the math says person x is wrong, then why even examine why person x thought they way they did in the first place? There isn’t any wiggle room. I like to wiggle.

Why am I bringing this up though?, Every once and a while I let up on my distaste for mathematics and I invent mathematical reasons for my own behaviour. Today I’ve got a new formula, one that seeks to understand when one should make their intentions known in the grand game of dating.

BUCKLE UP BOYS AND GIRLS WERE DOING A DATING POST I BAITED YOU WITH THAT MATH CRAP! HAHAHAHAHAHA

(L/D) x P = G

L is a rating between 1 and 10 that describes the level of emotional turmoil caused by existing in a state of Limbo between being friends and being an in a relationship. This is a subjective measurement so just be honest with yourself. Some might also say that the L could stand in for a rating of how “in love” you are with a person, but that word is utterly terrifying so I’m opting to not use it. Gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.

D is also a rating between one and ten that estimates the difficulty of replacing that friendship should things go way south on you. It is also subjective, even when you use math it’s really hard to nail anything down for certain in dating. Is this also kind of mean to think of friendships as replaceable and assign quantitative values to interpersonal relationships? Yes, but math is unfeeling and unconcerned with your feelings. It’s merely here to determine the rational course of action. Harsh, cruel, but fair is the mistress known as arithmetic.

The P is the probability of a positive outcome. (I started with it as P but shortened to P for simplicity’s sake.) The likelihood that when you turn to that person and say, “I have to tell you something…” and that conversation doesn’t end with “I hope we can still be friends.” This is measured in a percentage and then converted into a decimal number that between 0 and 1 that corresponds. For example, if you think you’ve got like a 64% shot (don’t ask me how you got to this specific percentage it’s just hypothetical) of “that talk” going well for you, you would then put your P as .64. Simple right?

This part of the formula is easily the most difficult to determine as it requires you to have some sense of how the other person feels about you and if you know that then you probably don’t need this formula. There are a few factors that you can know without reading someone’s mind that can help you determine the P though. For instance, if they’re in a relationship already, your P is going to be pretty low unless your the main character in a Rom-com in which case how are you even reading this? This formula also puts the entirety of a person’s emotional insecurity, issues with trust/intimacy/self-confidence, and any other mass of thoughts that get in a person’s way of believing in their own romantic story onto this probability, and we all know how rational we act with regards to these things. So it’s a noted weakness within the formula.

My final component of this formula is the G score, or Go For It. Based on almost 10 whole minutes of thought I’ve determined that if your G score is anywhere above 1.2 then you have no excuse for why you haven’t made your intentions clear. If it’s between 1.2 and 1.0 then you should probably be having “that” conversation but it’s ok if you’re still waiting for that right moment. Below 1.0? Sleep on it bud, don’t make hasty decisions.

Now, this sounds all well and nice (or ludicrous if you didn’t get on board with it)  but I’ve yet to demonstrate if this formula can actually be useful in any context. So examples time it is!

Problem 1) L = 7 (I like really like her dude) D = 2 ( I only met her a couple weeks ago and our only mutual friend is an old mission companion) P = 50% or .5.

(7/2) = 3.5 x .5 = 1.75, ya gotta go for it.

Problem 2) L = 10 ( I don’t think I could live without her!) D = 9 (We’ve been best friends forever) P = 20% or .2 (She may or may not be engaged)

(10/9) = 1.11 x .2 = .22, Dawg you gotta get over yourself and move the fetch on. Tinder maybe?

Problem 3) L = 4 (She’s cool, but like we just started hanging out) D = 1 (We’re both adults who can get over this so there really isn’t a risk of a lost friendship here. Also no history helps) P 50% or .5 (Can’t get a read on her man)

(4/1) = 4 x .5  = 2, Shoot your shot my guy.

Problem 4) L = 8 (Ahh Jeez, I like really care about her don’t I?) D = 5  I don’t think my social life would implode, but it’d be a challenge) P = 65% or .65 (I think she likes me, but I can’t fathom why she does)

(8/5) = 1.6 x .65 = 1.04, Hmmm you should probably be gearing yourself up for this talk, but you alright to wait a bit for either more information or just a night where you’re really feeling yourself.

First Man: First Impressions

Ok, I literally just got out of seeing First Man, if you haven’t heard about it yet get out from under the freaking rock and check out this trailer!

I’m going to be doing a full review of this thing over the weekend probably, but I NEED to let people know right away.

GO SEE THIS MOVIE

Holy mother of all that’s good in this world is this movie an absolute masterpiece. Damien Chazelle is an absolute master of film and I am permanently a lifelong fan of him. This thing blows every other movie I’ve seen this year way way-way-way out of the water. It’s gorgeous to look at, the acting is impeccable, it’s intense, its riveting, it’s deeply emotional. Even though I identify much more closely with being Canadian, it made so outstandingly proud to be able to call myself American. Seriously I can’t recommend this thing enough, go see First Man as soon as you can. Later.