Hold on… Wait…

I am not a smart man. Well sometimes I am, we all have our moments, right? For me, I find that all too often I find myself in scenarios where I have to realize that I might be one of the stupidest humans to ever walk this planet. We all know those moments where we catch ourselves mid-sentence saying something that makes absolutely no sense what so ever but its too late and we just have to ride it out? Those moments. The ones we think about late at night when we’re trying to sleep and our brain is just like, “Nah, let’s relive the most embarassing moments possible!” Here are a couple of those moments I’ve had recently.

Yesterday I decided to go to Target to go get some things, but I got distracted thinking about another errand I had to go run so I took a wrong turn thinking I was going to do that other errand. 20 seconds later I realize I wanted to be going to Target so I turn around and start heading back in the right direction. Then I think about how I’m hungry and maybe I should get some food while I’m out and I drive right by Target. Realizing my mistake I turn around again. Get distracted by another errand, miss Target, turn around, think about food, miss Target, turn around… You get the picture. I ended up driving past Target 5 or 6 times because of this. I honest to goodness might be top 5 dumbest people alive.

Another time at work I was listening to some music whilst changing some lights, humming along as I normally do when a co-worker of mine asks me, “hey are you listening to Gorillaz?” Like the band Gorillaz. I opted at that moment to reply with a blank stare for a solid minute, then shrugging my shoulders and going back to work.

“Are you listening to Gorillaz?” He asked again more confused.

“I don’t understand the question.” Is how I answered him this time.

“Like your music, is it Gorillaz?”

More silence as my rickety brain finally begins to put things together, “Oh sorry, no.”

At this point my co-worker bursts into laughter. I stood on a ladder with bright red cheeks wondering how on earth I survived this long with this freaking brain.

For the record, it wasn’t Gorillaz I was listening to, not that it makes me look any less idiotic.

I was going to share another profoundly stupid moment of mine to get three which seemed like a nice number for something like this, but at the moment I just can’t think of anything. Maybe I’m getting smarter? Nah probably more likely that my mind is going the way of my father and I’m simply forgetting everything that happens to me. Oh well, later!

 

 

 

Mission Impossible: Catch Up

In just under two weeks the newest Mission Impossible movie will arrive and in preparation for this movie, I have a confession to make.

I’ve never seen a Mission Impossible movie from front to back. Ever. Not once in my life have I started one of these movies and then some 2 hours later arrived at the end. I’ve seen chunks of most of them. They seem entertaining enough, Tom Cruise is obviously a pretty popular guy, and I’m a big fan of spy movies. There really isn’t a good reason for why I haven’t watched them, other than the overwhelming number of movies that come out bogging me down and just never finding the time to see them.

That changes now, before Mission Impossible: Fallout releases on July 27th, I’m going to watch all the other Mission Impossible movies and write a little bit about them. Knowing my procrastinating nature that probably means that I’ll write about all of them on the 26th, but that’s just how she goes eh? That’s what you’re thinking.

I know. It’s fine. I get it.

You’re wrong though. In fact, just to show you how wrong you are, I’ve gone ahead and watched the first two Mission Impossible movies this week and have some thoughts prepared. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it Procrastinating version of myself! (It’s fine that I’m talking to myself in a blog this way right? Ahh who cares.)

Here’s my big takeaway from the first two Mission Impossible movies. Wow people in the late 90’s and early 2000’s must’ve really loved Tom Cruise because other than him there really isn’t much of anything going on here. These movies are average action films at best. Both of them have just painfully predictable stories.

And the dialogue is uh… how do I put it? Cringe? No… Amateurish? That’s a better bit. I should note that the dialogue in the first one didn’t bother me too much, but the second one was just no good. There were a bunch of moments where I had to sit up from my chair and ask myself what on earth this movie was because I know that they’re part of this huge franchise gearing up for it’s sixth installment. (In the day and age of the MCU though a six movie franchise really doesn’t feel like as much of an accomplishment does it?)

Story and Dialogue are far from the point of Mission Impossible though. It’s pretty clear the thinking of theses movies goes something like, “This is Tom Cruise, he’s going to do some dope action, and that’s that.” and honestly during those parts of the movie when their doing heists and fighting people it’s great stuff, I just wanted to doze off during every other part of the movie. Hopefully I find out that as the series goes on they improve on things like story, characters, dialogue and such while keeping a healthy dose of fun action. I’ll let you know what I find out. Later.

Sweatpants

Alright, here is the deal. I had originally planned to make a review about a newly released movie for today, but I unfortunately made the choice to go see Gringo, a dark-comedy action movie and holy guacamole was it ever bad. A complete dumpster fire of a film and I really don’t want to talk about that, so instead here is this.

I don’t like wearing sweatpants in public. Within my own home I’ll rock sweats harder than models at the Met Gala. When I’m outside and other people can see me though, hard pass.

It’s really simple for me. Wearing sweats in public makes me feel lazy, grimy and apathetic. It’s silly to think that something you wear can have such a big effect on you, but it does on me and I have a theory as to why. Actually it’s not so much a theory as it is a story.

This story takes place when I was in High School, or what I know refer to as ye olden days of yore. At this time I had a friend (Yes I hear you making the obvious joke of “What happened” it’s not appreciated.) and this friend of mine was going through a bit of a hard time. She had been through a rather rough break-up, at least as far as Magrath High School goes and it had kinda put her in a rut so to say. She came to school in sweats, no make-up hair just thrown in a ponytail with little to no effort put in. I think it’s important to note that normally she had a pretty professional look going and clearly took some pride in how she presented herself. She’s a tough cookie so at the time I figured she’d just shake it off after a couple of weeks. No biggie, happens to everyone.

Cut to like a month or two later. This girl is still coming into school everyday with this no effort style. Me basking in my glorious intellect summarized that she might just need a little push to get her out of this rut. This was high school though, so I couldn’t just walk up to her and ask if she wanted to talk about things or if she needed anything. No No I had my precious manhood to think of, I couldn’t be seen acting sensitive in any way shape or form or my testosterone would simply leak out of my body.

So instead I devised a bet with this friend of mine. If she could come into school everyday for a month like she put a genuine effort into her look I would give her 20 bucks or something, I don’t remember the exact amount. With almost no effort at all she crushed this bet. I weaseled out of the bet because I was too cheap/broke to pay up and again, I had my manhood to consider? Losing a bet to a girl? How disgraceful. (I actually thought these things at one point in my life. Blunder years indeed.) I honestly still feel bad about that to this day.

So that’s why I hate wearing sweats, at least in public. Because nearly a decade ago (AHHHH IM OLD AND DYING) I had a friend that was going through a hard time and I associated her apathy and struggle with the clothes she was wearing so closely that I begin to feel down and apathetic when I leave the house with sweats on. Brains are weird folks. Later.

When “Style Over Substance” Works: Baby Driver

Trying to figure out just how to talk about Edgar Wright’s newest film, Baby Driver has proven to be harder for me than I though. I’ve gone through around five separate drafts that each go in different directions. For those of you who are unaware, Edgar Wright is a British filmmaker most notably known for what is known as the Cornetto trilogy including Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and At World’s End. He also directed the cult classic Scott Pilgrim VS The World and  just released a new film titled Baby Driver.

Wait It just hit me.

Ya know what Baby Driver is? It’s Edgar Wright grabbing a giant megaphone and announcing to the world, “Look at all the cool stuff I know how to do in movies while still telling a competent story.”

Let me put it in reverse for a second and start from the beginning. Baby Driver tells the story of a young man named Baby (Really) who works as a getaway driver for a notorious criminal to pay off his debt to this said criminal played by Kevin Spacey. After paying his debt off Baby tries to leave his criminal life behind him, especially after meeting a beautiful waitress played by Lily James. That turns out to be harder than he thought. Anything else and I’m just taking enjoyment away from you before you see it.

So Baby Driver’s story is competent. That’s not 100% the case. The stuff about Baby getting out of the criminal underworld totally plays for me. The romance with him and the waitress? Not so much. It just sorta escalates too fast, like I really needed this movie to have like one more scene with Baby and the waitress to show the romance blossoming before the action dial hits 11 in the third act and it all gets crazy.

Jon Hamm;Ansel Elgort
Ansel (Left) alongside Jon Hamm (Right)

Now as far as performance goes pretty much everyone here does solid work. The only thing I felt disappointed by was Kevin Spacey, and really it wasn’t that he wasn’t up to snuff with his acting, it’s just more like from the trailers I thought he’d be a bigger part of the movie than he really was. Basically the disappointment is that I didn’t see enough of him. Speaking of people I needed more of in this movie, Jon Hamm absolutely killed it here. He perfectly balanced the friendly co-worker vibe while also maintaining the cold-hardened criminal persona needed to make his character work within the story. I really think if Jon Hamm hadn’t done such a fantastic job the whole movie would have suffered for it. Shoot I think I have to try and watch Mad Men again just to get more Hamm in my life. Ansel Elgort also steps forward in this movie as a candidate for the next big leading man in Hollywood. Being surrounded by star power like Hamm, Spacey, and Jamie Foxx when they’re on top of their game while being able to hold your own signals that he’s got a bright future ahead.

Now to the best stuff. Baby Driver is one of the coolest looking films I’ve seen in ages while having a story just good enough that it doesn’t take me away from all the cool things I’m seeing. The car chases look dope. Gunfights? They’re timed to the soundtrack. I never knew in my life that I wanted to see a shoot-out to the beat of Tequila but now that I’ve seen it I don’t know what I did before it. How about a car chase to the tune of Radar Love? Yeah it’s there and it’s great. All of the scenes flow together to the beat of the music playing and it keeps you right with it the whole time. The best thing I think movies can do is force you to lose yourself in their world and Baby Driver does this nearly perfectly.

Baby Driver is sure to be that one movie this summer that your movie-buff friend can’t shut up about and keeps telling you to go see, so do yourself a favor and grab a ticket to shut them up. I promise that if you’ve enjoyed any of Edgar Wright’s past films you’ll love this one.

PS I didn’t mention this, but Baby Driver also has some great laugh out loud moments.

Old Women, Shouting and Protection.

The car stops. He takes a deep breath, then reminds himself that he can do this. As he enters the building someone else is leaving and holds the door for him. A polite thank you and he is on his way up with no need to buzz. He wonders if he should take the stairs, it would be good for his health. Then he remembers that his destination is on the twenty-fourth floor. Nope, the stairs will do just fine. As he begins his climb upwards his breathing gets deeper and louder. So much so that an older woman riding up alongside him asks if he is alright. He replies that he is and is just nervous.

The woman takes a quick look at the man and asks, “First date eh?”

“That obvious? It’s a blind date too.” The man says as he tries to hold his embarrassment in.

The  seemingly pleasant conversation is halted by the elevator as it stops at the sixteenth floor and the older woman calmly states, “Well this is me, oh and dear don’t forget to use protection. Would be such a shame to get her pregnant on the first date.” She can feel the red on his cheeks and laughs to herself as she steps off the elevator and it closes quickly behind her.

The elevator now returns to it’s path upwards and the man reaches into his pocket knowing fully that it is a futile effort. No “Protection.” For a split second panic encroaches on him, but it is pushed back by a wave of disgust. “What a filthy old woman.” he mutters to himself. Trying to get his mind off of the nasty and embarrassing conversation that just occurred he pulls out his phone and does the usual round of checks. No texts, no E-mails, no updates, notifications or what have you, just the reminder of his reservation in thirty minutes. He thought about whether making a reservation was too formal for a first date, it probably was, but he’d rather be prepared than stranded without a back-up plan. By now he had reached the twenty-fourth floor and was approaching the door. The door, the barrier of no return he reminded himself. Perhaps he should turn back? Sure his friends would make fun of him for weeks and they would be right to do so, but that might be better than what could be behind the door. More deep breaths, he was standing in front of the door now. Before he raises his arm to knock he does one last check, this time on his appearance. His hair was in groomed, shirt buttoned correctly, and shoes tied. One last quiet reminder for himself that he could do it. Arms shaking as he gave the door three gentle knocks.

Fifteen seconds of pure distress now and he let his fear take over. What if he had the wrong apartment? What if he was in the wrong building? Wrong street? How many things could have gone wrong? Instinctively he reaches for his phone hoping to check the address one last time to reassure himself, but he doesn’t fearing that whoever answered the door would think he was one of those people who did nothing but stare at their phone all day. So he stood there and waited. Door opens and there is a woman who immediately scowls at him, “You didn’t buzz. How did you get in?”

Like a deer in the headlight he stood their for a moment and when he regained his composure he replied in the least convincing tone, “Someone held the door for me.” Now she was just glaring and she held that glare just long enough that he could feel the sweat forming on his brow.

She suddenly broke character and announced, “I’m just messing with you, Dan right?”

“Yeah… That’s me, so you are Jennifer then?” Dan

“Oh no, I’m just her roommate and she prefers to be called Jen FYI.”

“Good to know, so what do I call you then?”

“Oh you think you are going to see me again? Confident. I’m not so sure about that but I’ll entertain the thought. Names Lizzy by the way. Do you want to sit down? I’m sure Jen will only be a few minutes.”

“You’ve got a bit of a mean streak don’t you?” Dan made his way into the apartment and after being gestured to sat down on the nearby couch. “Like I bet everyone at your office just loves you.”

Lizzy just tilted her head and laughed, “Oh you are funny, perhaps I will be seeing you again! The funny man that just walks into the building, real winning combination there bud.” She wasn’t even being subtle at this point. “Perhaps next time you’ll bring some chloroform? I think that would really give you a well rounded sort of feel. Jokes aside though did the elevator give you any trouble? I swear someone has been working on it at least twice a week for a month now.”

“Oh no, no problems with the elevator. I had a rather strange conversation with a old woman on my way up though.” Dan was trying to get some of the heat of himself.

Totally unaware of what he had triggered he was stunned to find that Lizzy’s voice rose several decibels almost instantly, “It was Mrs. Durns wasn’t it? Oh that woman is such a pervert! Did you know that when I first moved in she asked if I was Jen’s girlfriend? Like she just assumed I was a lesbian just by taking a look at me! Gah… Then she came over one day and told us both about her “phase” in college. Absolutely horrifying to have some old woman tell us such graphic things when we barely even knew who she was? WHO DOES THAT?!” Lizzy would continue her ranting for several more minutes and Dan simply did his best to be polite. Luckily for him Jennifer came out in time to stop her rampaging roommate before anything got too out of hand.

No amount of deep breathing could have prepared poor Dan for Jennifer though. Rich black hair all tied up in some neat styling that he would never learn the name of. A wonderful shade of Hazel filled her eyes, surrounding that seemingly flawless skin, and topping it all off was an adorable smile that just screamed girl next door.

“Oh hell yes, praise the Lord you are just so pretty! I don’t even know how that’s possible but as I live and breath there it is right in front of my eyes! Oh baby hallelujah!” Having said all that Dan decided to ponder long and hard about all the ways that he could kill himself in the next twelve seconds.

Jennifer then said, “Well thank you for… that. Um… I’m Jennifer.”

Back in control of his body Dan tried to salvage the situation, “Dan. Pleasure to meet you Jennifer.”

“You can just call me Jen, it’s what everyone calls me. Anyways, where are you taking me tonight Dan?”

“Oh right, there is this little place over on fifteenth that is really good and there are a few street performers who do their acts around there as well if you are interested in that sort of thing.”

“Sounds great. Don’t wait up on me Lizzy!” Jen was now gesturing towards the door.

As the two stepped out of the apartment Dan thought about how in a way he was glad he had shouted that compliment at his date. The worst part of the night was surely behind him now.