I am not a smart man. Well sometimes I am, we all have our moments, right? For me, I find that all too often I find myself in scenarios where I have to realize that I might be one of the stupidest humans to ever walk this planet. We all know those moments where we catch ourselves mid-sentence saying something that makes absolutely no sense what so ever but its too late and we just have to ride it out? Those moments. The ones we think about late at night when we’re trying to sleep and our brain is just like, “Nah, let’s relive the most embarassing moments possible!” Here are a couple of those moments I’ve had recently.
Yesterday I decided to go to Target to go get some things, but I got distracted thinking about another errand I had to go run so I took a wrong turn thinking I was going to do that other errand. 20 seconds later I realize I wanted to be going to Target so I turn around and start heading back in the right direction. Then I think about how I’m hungry and maybe I should get some food while I’m out and I drive right by Target. Realizing my mistake I turn around again. Get distracted by another errand, miss Target, turn around, think about food, miss Target, turn around… You get the picture. I ended up driving past Target 5 or 6 times because of this. I honest to goodness might be top 5 dumbest people alive.
Another time at work I was listening to some music whilst changing some lights, humming along as I normally do when a co-worker of mine asks me, “hey are you listening to Gorillaz?” Like the band Gorillaz. I opted at that moment to reply with a blank stare for a solid minute, then shrugging my shoulders and going back to work.
“Are you listening to Gorillaz?” He asked again more confused.
“I don’t understand the question.” Is how I answered him this time.
“Like your music, is it Gorillaz?”
More silence as my rickety brain finally begins to put things together, “Oh sorry, no.”
At this point my co-worker bursts into laughter. I stood on a ladder with bright red cheeks wondering how on earth I survived this long with this freaking brain.
For the record, it wasn’t Gorillaz I was listening to, not that it makes me look any less idiotic.
I was going to share another profoundly stupid moment of mine to get three which seemed like a nice number for something like this, but at the moment I just can’t think of anything. Maybe I’m getting smarter? Nah probably more likely that my mind is going the way of my father and I’m simply forgetting everything that happens to me. Oh well, later!
I probably need to explain myself right? Also, side note, even though I’m rocking some hardcore RBF right there, I swear I’m actually pretty good with how my hair looks. Moving on now.
Can I just give folks the line, “girlfriends. Not even once” and move on? Is that satisfactory? No? It makes it sound like my girlfriend did this out of spite? Fine. Come on though, it’s not like I don’t have some history of making rash decisions regarding my hair on basically zero information. I legit shaved my head bald on nothing more than the prompt of a roommate asking if I wanted to. (That one was a big mistake though, still a good story though.)
So Here’s the basic timeline for how I ended up with purple dye in my hair. Honestly, it’s a pretty boring story. Basically, my girlfriend was dying her hair purple. Not like all of it, just like the bottom half, I guess, jeez this would be easier to explain if I just had a picture. Hold on a sec… Do I have one on my phone… No? wtf am I even trying as a boyfriend? Whatever.
Anyways she’s dying her hair and once she finishes up with it there’s a reasonable amount of dye leftover. Not a ton, but enough that it would feel wasteful to simply throw it out. At this point, Lindsay (the girlfriend) shoots me a look and with a reserved excitement asks, “Can I put it in your hair?”
Now, this next little bit takes place in about 5 seconds but takes a lot longer to explain because it involves a number of decisions that take place in my own mind. Just so you know and understand the impulsive nature of this whole thing.
When I’m asked questions like this there are two things I think about. The first is always, “What’s the worst that could happen?”. With dye involved the worst that can happen is actually pretty bad though. At least to some people. Really in my mind, the worst thing that could happen is that it looks just dreadful, in which case the solution to my problem is pretty simple, wear a hat. I’m already known to frequently wear baseball caps so it wouldn’t even be a stretch to just wear one every day. Sure it might get a little awkward at church but I’m dating someone from the same congregation as me every Sunday is already an awkward cringefest with every member of the bishopric asking me for updates so adding the awkward conversation about a hat seems an easy task. That being said that literally a worst case scenario and frankly its pretty unlikely so I’m confident at that point to proceed on the merits of “what’s the worst that could happen.”
The second question I always ask myself when making these sort of decisions is whether or not this will make a good story. I thought there was a reasonable chance and frankly, it’s up to you folks reading this blog post to decide if I was right about that. Either way, I thought the probability of this being a good story was high enough to proceed.
Remember all these thoughts happen in about 5 seconds.
“Sure, why not?” is what I opted for as my response. Boy, you wouldn’t believe how Lindsay’s face lit up when she heard that. Her excitement was only matched by her other roommate’s concern for my well-being. They must have thought I’d lost my bloody mind. Which is true, but like I lost it ages ago this is far from the event that confirmed my insanity.
Before we can get started with the dye though we need to solve the problem of my shirt. See I had apparently made the mistake of wearing a pretty nice shirt that day. Probably because I hadn’t realized that I would be dying my hair that day, but hey that’s my bad for not being able to see into the future. Luckily for me Lindsay’s roommate Abby had an old t-shirt that was just large enough to wrap around my neck to shield my nice button up. Oddly enough the colour of it matched pretty close to the shirt I was wearing so it looked like I had like a turtleneck on so now I also know that turtlenecks are an absolute no-go for me. Two birds one stone or something like that.
Pseudo-turtleneck in hand though I was now prepped for the dye, which Lindsay applied despite the fact that her roommate is a licensed cosmetologist. Still not 100% sure why it happened that way, but hey I’m not here to complain just tell stories. I was pretty convinced that the dye wasn’t even going to stick all that well anyways. It had been exposed for a pretty long time and absolutely nothing had been done to my hair to prepare it for dye. Literally, she just took the dye and painted (is that a good word for this? idk) the top of my head with it. So how likely was it for the dye to even stick? Pretty good as it turns out.
Half an hour later and things have settled and it’s time to give my hair a quick wash before revealing the final product. Minor snag though. The Branbury, the apartment complex me and Lindsay both live at, is BYU approved housing. Which means there are a few arbitrary rules that have to be followed. Like guys can’t use the bathrooms in girls apartments. (I KNOW ITS RIDICULOUS YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME!) This means that in order to wash my hair out I have to lean over and use their kitchen sink. Perfect. So I’ve got my head in a kitchen sink and as I’m getting my hair washed out I’m seeing a lot of purples come out. Figures I think to myself, the dye didn’t stick, which is a shame but removes any fears I would’ve had about how it’ll look.
Nope. Turns out that really normal (I really know nothing about hair do I?) and a couple of minutes later I’m looking in the mirror at this freaking anime character that’s taken the place of myself. Oh well, now I can at least live out my fantasy of being an anime character, though the magic powers haven’t appeared yet which is straight bs. Also the huge freaking smile on Lindsay’s face when she saw my hair was pretty worth it as well. Not even to mention that it doesn’t even look all that bad. Maybe next time I’ll go all out and dye all my hair… Nah, that ish is expensive. Later!
It’s been a busy couple of days so I haven’t found the time to get a birthday blog post written out.
Ok, let’s talk about my year. When I turned 25 last year the reality was that I was not in a really good place. Turning 25 was a point where I made a realization that I really wasn’t doing what I wanted to be doing with my life. I felt creatively stunted, burnt out, and easily worst of all totally unmotivated to even bother trying to change things.
Luckily this didn’t persist. I got back into writing with a determined focus to find my voice in words. I still think there’s a lot of room for refinement, but I think this whole informal, conversational tone I’ve been doing lately has been a really good fit for me and it’s shown itself in the outstanding improvements to my writing over this past year. I’m honest to goodness stunned with how much progress I made as a writer in the past year, and also with how much room I still have to grow. I’m really excited to keep improving this blog and the rest of my writing in general.
Life didn’t change just in terms of writing through this last year either. I’ve made it abundantly clear in my blog that my relationship with religion, for the most part, has been pretty casual, there was a brief moment where I took it real serious and it didn’t pan out well so for a very long time I kept it at arms distance. Maybe enough time had passed and my heart had softened, or maybe living in Utah for two years has just worn me down, but religion has taken a much more prominent role in my life again. I’ll never be one of those Peter Priesthood types that really push religion out of every orifice of my body but it definitely matters to me in a real way again. Weirdly enough it was all the little social things the church does that got me actually taking my religion seriously again. So even though I like to make fun of things like FHE, Ward activities, Break the Fast, etc. (sorry if you’re not up on your Morm… Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint’s lingo) I have to admit that those things played a big role in actually getting me back to church on a regular basis.
Combining with a newfound sense of focus and pride in my writing and a renewed faith, I also found it in me this year to actually try and be a social human being again. I felt like I actually had the confidence to put myself out there, I mean I’m still pretty introverted so it really worked out more like I fell into a social circle but hey, take those W’s where you can find them. I did actually put myself out there in the world of dating and experienced legitimate success. What the F… That still strikes me as utterly and totally bizarre. Maybe I’ll get used to that at some point, but it’s probably more likely that I’ll continue to be in total bewilderment for the time being.
So long as I remember to take deep breaths and not act like a total weirdo I should be fine. Wait I do act like a total weirdo like all the time… oh boy…
Weird rambling about dating that I’m definitely going to get flak for aside, my 26th year on this planet turned out pretty great. I’m pretty happy with how it all turned out. I’m not satisfied though, I need to build on the successes I had last year and continue to refine myself and what I do. That should be a lot of fun. Later!
It’s a new semester for me so I wanted to take a quick moment to look back on my summer in writing to reflect and then perhaps even look a little bit forward to speculate on what I’m hoping to accomplish over the next few months, does that sound good? Not that it even matters if you agree this is just what’s happening. I’m really trying to be polite though.
Ok so if I’m being honest, I actually liked most of the writing I did over the summer, which is kind of surprising because normally I hate everything I write within 2-3 minutes of putting it up. Something about letting the perfectionist part of my brain takes the wheel or something. This summer though I actually did some stuff that I don’t feel like I’ll regret later for how ridiculous it was.
The biggest standout for me was obviously Fiji to Provo…
Ok before I go on I need to say something about that. I hate that title just so so so so so much. Every time I look at that thing I just wish I had named it Suva to Provo. City to City makes so much more sense, and it rolls off the tongue better. Fiji to Provo will forever remain in my mind as the proof that titling essays, posts, articles, etc. are just the absolute worst.
Got that out of my system. Fiji to Provo (REEEEEEE) was a big piece for me. It was the first time I opened up about my mission experience in a public manner, the first time I talked about being depressed, losing my faith, regaining it, just a whole whack of firsts that had been weighing on my mind for so long and suddenly it was out there and there were so much love and support for it… I can’t express how thankful I am for everyone who showed so much love.
Here’s the thing though, once I got that piece out I suddenly felt like I had no idea what the point of this blog was. I had started it way back when with the intent of it being the place I would write this one piece and after I did it was just like, “Well shoot, what am I supposed to do now? It’s done. Does that mean this blog is done as well?” Obviously, that wasn’t the case because I’ve continued to write just a whole swathe of random junk on there, but as I’m sure you noticed there is no clear direction going forward. What is Jonny Talkz? Is it a movie blog? a place for me to put think pieces down? Comedy blog? A stepping stone to true calling as a SoundCloud rapper? A World of Warcraft fan blog? There really isn’t a clear answer and I don’t exactly have an idea for what’s next…
nah I do have an idea for what to do going forward. I wanna write some wack stuff. Not in a way like everything I post is just way too weird or out there for people to enjoy, but get more back to taking some hot takes on stuff so at least a few people look at every post and think
Take for example “I love Jonny” that rap parody I did last week. I know 99% of people who saw that thought to themselves, “Jonny’s been listening to just a bit too much Kanye and he actually thinks he can rap now, wack.” You know what though? Making that thing was the most fun I’ve had with a post in a loooooong time. It was just so silly and fun I couldn’t help but just burst out laughing at the whole idea of it over and over again. It still cracks me up, to be honest. So like that’s the kind of stuff I want to do going forward, not just to make rap videos though, but just do stuff that I think is funny and great while also never taking myself too seriously. I particularity want to apply this idea to doing movie reviews, like I want to just absolutely slam movies I don’t like and shower endless praise on movies I love and I want to do it in a way where you know clearly where I stand with the movie and you feel at least somewhat informed about what to expect if you see it, but like I want it to feel silly as well. I have an idea for this and assuming I find any free time this semester I’ll definitely be doing it, but I already know it’s going to be a timesink so it may be awhile. Outside of that I do want to just write some stuff about like Utah, dating, and other stuff and just really see how far out there I can go before I just lose everyone.
Also esports, HOOO baby do I want to write a lot about esports, but I always hesitate on it because not one soul who regularly reads this understands that world in any way, shape, or form and I feel like I’m throwing something written in a different language at people expecting them to just “get it”. That’s never going to happen, but I’m still going to put those out. Maybe I just won’t share those on my Facebook because they’re really just for me anyways. Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll do that.
This piece has pretty much devolved into me thinking in a text file at this point, hasn’t it? Oh well, like I said this is more of the kind of stuff I want to be doing, very informal not academic thinking at all, never appealing to an objective truth, just giving you my take and take some risks. Later